Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Week One

I had my nails done on Friday as promised, but, the asshole that I am, I couldn't really enjoy it. My kids were off for March Break and the weather was gorgeous and dammit, all I could think was, "Who has time for this?" Two hours in a nail salon. I should have enjoyed the me-time, reading about Kim Kardashian's ass instead of another issue of Tiny Titans, but all I wanted to do was be at the park with them, my family. I am one effed-up mama. I make it so that I can never win.

I use my nails more than I thought. It's been a weekend of jimmying keys onto key fobs and the like, which aren't great activities for maintaining a pale pink manicure. But I did OK. I still picked at the cuticles, but the goal was to stop biting the actual nails. And I did pretty good. Really good.

Until today.

Today I got a call from the Boob Doctor, who let me know that there was an OR opening on Thursday. I am tired of thinking of this stupid papilloma in my boob, but keep going back and forth about whether I should get it out. Should I leave it alone (it's not bothering me, nor is it causing other symptoms) or should I get it out while it's still nothing?

I decided to go for the surgery. Pretty much everyone thinks I should get it removed, except my homeopath and well, me -- some of the time. The rest of the time I just want it out, so I can stop thinking about it.

The call came at the end of the day and threw me into a tizzy. Should I do it? I just had two days off last week? Can I afford more time off work without screwing over my team? I have out of town friends coming into Toronto this weekend. Wouldn't I rather put it off and party? And what do you mean I have to spend a week to two weeks at home in bed recovering?

I am not prepared. But the truth is, I will never be prepared. I'll just keep running away and hoping the problem will go away. Also, I'd rather just keep having fun and not having to deal with it. There's always going to be some event I want to be present for. There's always going to be work to deal with. There's always going to be some fear I create to avoid the task at hand. (I am so good at that, I could win the Olympic competition of that... THAT needs a name... I can't be Olympic Avoid the Task at Hander... or can I?)

Anyway, funny how I wish to put life before health. I have been happier lately, finding my way bit by bit. I am enjoying living. But life keeps throwing me curveballs, so clearly I'm missing my great lesson (more on those curveballs soon).

So all this stressing about the surgery and my un-preparedness all evening. I was at parent council tonight and I just started to pick. Pick pick pick. I made a mess on the floor with my nail polish shrapnel. I know why I did it. I'd gone over to the dark side.

In fact I'm not sure I'm completely conscious, in the moment, right now. But I'm writing here in an attempt to clear some of the fog and digest it all.

A woman whose business we wrote about on SweetMama died last week. She had pneumonia, but (and I shouldn't surmise things about strangers from Facebook posts), from one of the last things she wrote on a friend's wall, I'm guessing that she was putting off investigating her health issue because she was busy LIVING too.

Time, time, time. We're obsessed with getting it, saving it, spending it -- much like money. And the hilarious thing is that it's a human construct. A tree or a dog doesn't know what time it is. There's no such thing as time. We don't have it. Any of us. All we have is right now.

So why am I freaking out? Because, like you, I'm trying to grab hold of something that doesn't exist. Time. Maybe if I let it go, my need to try to control time, I'll be OK. I don't know. I was hoping this post would have some sort of positive conclusion, but I'm not there yet. Any insights you might have are appreciated.

Oh, but hey, I didn't bite my effing nails in all this. I may have put them in my mouth, but they are still not bitten. It's something.


karengreeners said...

Oh my friend. I'm proud of you for doing it, because even if it was not completely medically necessary, it was mentally necessary. kwim? And you guys will be fine; the work, the laundry, even the fun, can wait. xo

emma waverman said...

Letting go and having other people take care of you is living. Lie back on your memory foam and let people take care of you. And cherish what that means too.. and maybe someone will even redo your polish.

Sarah said...

You are so right about chasing time. I have been so thankful to have so much time during my mat-leave that I don't know how I'm ever going to readjust to "real" life. Thanks for the perspective. Also very happy to hear you're prioritizing your health. You deserve peace of mind and to move forward. Will add you to my prayers. xo

Pamela Findling said...

So this is the very first blog post of yours that I read and wow. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this Nadine. And I realize I don't really know the whole story or anything, but bravo for deciding to get the surgery.A friend of mine found a lump about a year ago and it was very early stage cancer. She decided that she didn't want to ever have to worry about it again (there's lots of cancer in her family), and she'd always wanted bigger boobs, so she decided "Screw it, I'm going to get them removed and get new, bigger ones put back in!" That's exactly what she did, and while it wasn't medically neccessary, she feels such a sense of relief.

Jen said...

Some days it feels impossible to let go, slow down, give it up, and just...stop.

Far better to trade small amounts of time for your sanity and health today. It may prevent you from having to give up far more later on.

Be strong, lovely. Sometimes fate, circumstance or our own damn bodies tell us to just rest. If we keep refusing, they usually find a way to do it for us...through illness, etc.

Take very good care. You only get one you, and it's such a beautiful one. ; )

mapsgirl said...

Like many others have said, I think it's good that you're doing this for you.

And try to enjoy having people take care of you! I think at at-home manicure would be in order as well :)

No biting is a great first step!! Good for you. Breaking habits isn't easy so we'll cherish every step.

Good luck tomorrow; I'll be thinking about you :)

Rebecca said...

Yes, take care of yourself, Nadine. Will be thinking of you.

Kathy Buckworth said...

Proud of you for doing this Nadine - just effing do it! You're one of the most creative and inspiring people I know, and all the work, the friends, and the family, will all be there - but there's only one you and we'd all appreciate it if you took care of that you, for us. Good luck tomorrow.

Sprout Right said...

First of all N, breathe. Stop. Close your eyes and think about your breath for one minute, that's all. Every time you are swirling in your head, stop and just breathe.

You are so brave, and open and beautiful. Through all of your struggles, you are learning so much and I find that inspirational.

Take your remedies before and after the surgery, and then enjoy the rest after it's all done. You shouldn't be doing anything else, be anywhere else, just be.

I'll do your nails, and your hair, so you feel on the outside as beautiful as you are on the inside.

Hugs x

Sandy said...

Good luck Nadine! Just stop, relax and take care of yourself, it will all be waiting for you when you get back.I have a tonne of different shades of that pale pink if you'd like to borrow one. ;) xoxo

Emma said...

We love you and we want you to be well. Get that thing out, recover, and everything will be rosy. For a while. Until the next crap. Crap makes life interesting, right? This comment has gone to hell. Hopefully you know what I'm trying to say. Also, I really really need to go to the freakin' doctor. I need time too.


Lora said...

I'll be thinking of you. I know how scary it is to go under the knife, even when it is all for the best.

I love you. And your hands. And your boobs.

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