Sunday, April 04, 2010

All signs point to GO

I am a chicken shit. I always have been. Wanting to please my parents, make the right choices, not fuck up -- it meant I rarely took risks. I hated how I felt when a decision I made had a negative outcome or reflected badly on me in any way.

Now I'm slowly preparing for the next big step in my life: my eventual move to freelance writing and penning that book that you'd all rather read than having to check this space several times a week, only to be disappointed that I haven't updated. And I'm kind of terrified.

I love my job. I'm working really hard to stay committed to it -- much like a marriage -- being good at work is work! (Who knew?) But I'm not going to lie, it's changed a lot as our business has grown and while I still enjoy it immensely, I find it taxing on occasion while I try to balance a family too. It's demanding and rewarding and I'm growing professionally - for that I'm forever grateful. But at the end of the day, my heart is in the writing of words, not the trimming of them.

So what to do?

Well for the time being, I've decided that I'm going to stick with it. Really give it all I've got and make it work. Because there is so much positive that comes out of what I do during office hours that I want to see it through until I have nothing left to learn.

And in the meantime, I do something I've never really done before. I plan.

I know. I know. I always say, "Man plans, God laughs." So yeah, there might be a snag or two along the way. But that's OK. It's going to have to be. Because I know now, more than I've ever known before, that I need to stay on course. I need to stay with the words in my head.

This week I'm signing up for a course that teaches the business of freelancing. It's not really a secret; I would divulge this to my colleagues and so I don't feel surreptitious about putting it down here. It's more like I need to tell the Universe so that I WILL STICK TO IT.

I excel at ideas and thoughts and anything right-brained. I can draw a bunny face with my eyes closed. I can whip off an 800-word article in an evening.

But I am not so strong when it comes to execution of said ideas, nor of organizing my space or my time. If I'm going to turn myself into a business, perhaps I'd better learn some life skills first.

So this is the year of magical doing. The year I will attempt to grow up a bit, change some behaviour that's been dogging me for decades, learn me some new tricks and finally look FEAR in the eye and make my peace with it.

Step One, Day One. Just putting it out there.

8 comments:

metro mama said...

Good luck! I know you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Would you like a copy of this? http://www.booklounge.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780307357274

Miche said...

You go girl!

Laural Dawn said...

I said it in person, but I'll say it again. You inspire people.
I'd be the first person to line up for any book you'll write.
Also, I think sometimes life skills are a little over-rated. I constantly try to clean my desk and organize my schedule, but I'm so much happier and more effective when I accept that when my brain is as cluttered as my desk I work way better.
But a plan. That's a good start.

Kelly said...

Good luck!

kgirl said...

Honey, I KNOW you can do it. And then you can teach me how.

Sara Lacey said...

Good for you! I don't know why change can be so scary, but it is. Nice job taking the first steps.

La Blogueuse said...

Change is hard but like all the cliches say nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, and the greatest of journeys start with the first tiny step followed by another and another and before you know it you turn around to look back and see that you've reached your destination. Don't get discouraged, remember slow and steady wins the race (full of quotes today)

moplans said...

Go Scarb!