Nuts

Sunday afternoon we headed out for the urban forest. We picked a trail, packed the car with snacks and a bike with training wheels and headed off.

It was sunny and surprisingly warm and I felt like we were "being a family." (Remember, I don't know how to play, so outings like this make me feel like I'm contributing to childhood memories.) We didn't get very far. Nate's still a bit nervous on his bike and it takes 30 minutes to go 30 feet. So we picked a bench, took out our snacks and had the first family picnic of 2009.

I Twittered this around noon: A Sunday walk in the urban woods. Nate learning to ride his bike on the trail. Such a perfect day.

Instantly, things became something other than the Lou Reed song in my head. Lucy kept wandering off towards the rushing creek or into the marsh, but I let it go. Just relax, I told myself, she's OK. (Hard to do when it's a 15-foot drop to the shallow, rocky water below.)

Then she face-planted on the concrete path, after smashing her forehead the night before. J went to help her and I tried to enjoy the child who doesn't fall all the time. We were enjoying our wee bites of PBJ when a squirrel approached us.

"Oh here he comes Nate. He must smell our food."

Nate wanted to feed the squirrel. My gut said no. I thought of Marla scolding other parents at Riverdale Farm when they feed the ducks or whatever. But Nate looked crestfallen when I tried to explain to him the reasons why we couldn't. So I gave in.

"Toss him a tiny piece," I said and instantly regretted it. The squirrel was fat, and not afraid of humans. The squirrel posed in that cute squirrelly, two-pawed chewing way for a second, then it proceeded to get up in our motherfucking grill.

J approached while we were still thinking the squirrel was cute. He grabbed a piece of sandwich, crouched down and said, "Look Nate, maybe we can..."

Me: "NONONONONO! Remember when you tried to save that mouse and it bit you and you had to get the tetanus shot?!"

But it was too late. He had entered his Dr. Doolittle fantasy, the one where he believes he has mastery over all animals, the way Neo can control the Matrix.

"OW!"

"Oh my frmsokj! It bit you didn't it? Why don't you listen to me?!"

Of course this freaked Nate the fuck out. And of course I only made it worse.

Me: "Great. Now you'll need to go to the doctor. You have to work at 2. I guess you can drop us off at the grocery store, go get your shot and pick us up after..."

Nate: "No! No! We ALL need to go wiz Dad to da doctor! DAD! Why did you do dat?! Why dinin't you fro da food at da squirrel?"

J mumbled under his breath. I wanted to kill him with somethign worse than the rabies I convinced myself he had in 3.5 seconds. He washed his wound with my brand new stainless steel water bottle and bled all over it. Then he wandered off to chase Lucy, so he wouldn't have to be with the two batshit anxious people.

Alone with our crazy, my son and I bonded.

Nate: "I'm weally wowied about Dad... He NEEDS to go to da doctor. We hafta go wiz him. Why did he just do dat?"

Me: "Well Nate, your dad thinks all animals are his friends. [Oh no! Don't want to give him a fear of animals] And, well, they are, but some wild animals need to be left alone. That squirrel must get fed a lot... I think we learned a valuable lesson about feeding animals today."

Nate: "Yes we did mum... Oh no! Da squirrel!"

The asshole fucking squirrel came back and started heading for Nate. We tried throwing sticks at him, but this only made him more agitated once he sniffed the tossed item to find it's only wood. I was looking for another stick to toss at him when Nate screamed, "Mommy! Da squirrel is coming after me MOM!"

Oh boy.

Then he burst into tears.

I finally calmed him down, only to have a cute Jack Russel terrier come charging up towards us. I tried to keep Nate calm, but it was no use. He had a full-on panic attack and yelled at the dog in fear.

Oh boy.

Me: "That's it. We're going."

We headed to the grocery store and I suggested J at least talk to the pharmacist, while I went to scope out the organic milk situation. When he finally met up with us, he was wearing a bandage.

Me: (panicky!) "What did the pharmacist say?

J: (deadpan) "She said I should keep it clean. And that I'm probably going to turn into a squirrel."