Saturday, May 31, 2008

I saw SATC and all I got was popcorn in my teeth

I remember the first time I tuned into Sex and the City. I had read about it in Vogue (back when my shelves were lined exclusively with fashion mags instead of home decor and parenting mags) and saw that the show was airing on a local station. (Think it was City at first, before it moved to Bravo.)

Like many 20-something girls at the time, I was instantly in love with the concept of 30-something fabulous singles living in New York and making their own happiness with the assistance of shoes and friends.

They were perfect 30-minute slices of outrageous fashion, bad relationships, hilarious sex and NYC. Then they came out on VHS and DVD. That's when I started to see the cracks in the pavement.

While watching each episode in isolation, one forgot the sins of the past week and could judge each episode for its own merit. But watching them back-to-back suddenly revealed annoying character flaws. Mr. Big, for example, seemed so much worse after the fourth episode in a row and left you wondering why Carrie would ever go back to him. And that's just it. The fact that there is so little to find redeeming and loveable in their relationship makes the movie even harder to sell.

Carrie and Big are shopping for an apartment together when they stumble upon an expensive penthouse with great light but no closet space. He offers to buy it for her and build her a closet. (His merits seem only to be charm and cash at this point.) While preparing dinner one night, they decide to get married -- casually -- in mid-conversation.

It all starts out well until she does a bridal spread in Vogue and a horrendously-boobed Vivienne Westwood dress suddenly has her planning an elaborate New York wedding.

Big gets cold feet. Carrie goes off to Mexico, depressed but with girlfriends in tow. She doesn't talk to him for 6 months and instead hires an assistant (Jennifer Hudson) who ends up teaching her lessons on love while cheering her up and bringing her back to life.

In between all this, Miranda and Steve break up. Charlotte gets pregnant and is so happy everyday in her life with Harry and adopted daughter Lily. Samantha is living in Hollywood with Smith Jared (somewhat unhappily) and a very slutty male neighbour next door that is tempting her out of monogamy.

The movie was like a Costco sheet cake: Too much icing, not enough cake. Tasty at the first bite, seemingly never-ending half-way through, yet you feel you must finish.

Here is my list of all that I disdain about this film and it's crappy script: (*** SPOILER MADNESS HERE***)

* Male characters were one dimensional and didn't add more to the film than a Louis Vuitton handbag.
* The lines they gave Big were so bad that I winced.
* Samantha must leave Smith Jared because she's so horny and selfish, yet they don't actually give her any good sex scenes. In fact, they totally destroyed any fun we could have had with her character. Instead of funny sex they gave her a weight problem and a dog. Not nice SJP and Michael King. Not nice at all.
* Smith Jared's bad hair distracted from his hotness. And why didn't we get to see his ass?
* Charlotte had two funny scenes: One where she pooped her pants and one where she tells big she cursed the day he was born. They made her character extra boring. Boo.
* They made the two gay guys (who happen to hate each other) make out.
* They showed Miranda full frontal (OK 95%, Steve had his hand over her bush) -- no one needed to see that. I love you Cynthia Nixon, but they should not have made you do that.
* Jennifer Hudson's character seemed like an insert to advertise Bag, Borrow or Steal. (Though I will say she was likeable, but the Louis she gets as a gift from Carrie was butt uggo.)
* Don't even get me started on the bird in Carrie's hair at wedding #1.
* Carrie and Big. They spend the whole movie apart, so yet again, we see nothing redeemable in their relationship. Oh woohoo. He sent her some plagiarized emails. Was this not the man who FLEW to Paris to save her? Would he not have hunted her down in NYC a bit more? He left her at the damn altar. After countless seasons of doing horrible things to her. And all it took to get back with him were some emails? Give me a break. What's so great about this guy aside from his bank account?

Overall, I feel ripped off. I am reading the reviews of other (albeit younger) bloggers and they all seemed to love it. I don't get it -- did we see the same film? Am I too cynical in my old age? Because I think SJP got some brain damage from Garnier Nutrisse Brown Sugar # 5.

Despite my disappointment, there were things that I liked (The jewellry, THE belt, Miranda's awesome blue bridesmaid dress, the joke about Cosmos at the end). But overall it was a big disappointment for a film that had so many people rooting for it. It was fun, but I don't think I'd see it again.

Did you see it? What did you think?

***

Edited to add: Mush Mush, I WAS totally "accessorized" for the movie! I had like 4 Cosmos before going in. I just couldn't get into it. I know I'm being harsh, but I expected better after all the hype.

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