Model of Truth

OK -- just got back from a weekly date at my sister's. She PVRs as much as she can and Queen Nomad (whose son, my soon-to-be godson, is now nearing 6 months) and I play catch up on the TV we've been missing. Tonight we watched ANTM, The Bachelor, and Moment of Truth. (Some spoilers below)

Mostly it's an excuse to be stoopid together. Laughing at Tyra is a sport in our little threesome. Tonight, Tyra did not disappoint with some great line about how you can squint with your eyes open. "Do you see it? It's still there, it's still there, it's still there." Oh my. Almost as good as the time she went on vogueing the difference between looking like a model vs. looking like a prostitute. "You're fashion, you're a whore. You're fashion, you're a whore." That is some good shit.

So who are you loving on ANTM? I think Claire, the eco mom who drinks her own breastmilk is going to take it. But I also love weirdo Lauren who kinda looks like Sarah Polley. I was all about Witney for a while, because I love me some chach, but I don't know. I prefer the quiet ones.

I do hope they don't get rid of Dominique, because tranny jokes are never tiring. Seriously. Who doesn't love a good tranny comment here and there? We've taken to calling her Dom. When Miss J goes off on her, I can't even breathe I'm laughing so hard.

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OK, The Bachelor. This Bachelor is seriously THE best Bachelor ever. He's English. He's 6' 5". He's rich. And he's super nice. Like genuinely nice. The highlight of the first episode for me, and probably anyone who watched it, was this drunk trashy chick Stacey. Clearly she was on the wrong show. She should have been on Rock of Love or something.

Anyway, she is so trashed in Episode One, and the tag underneath her says "Graduate Student." She has a shiny blue sequin dress on with a cutout in the back that shows off her tramp stamp/tattoo. She is wasted and feeling up the Bachelor, Matt, while he's having a fairly decent conversation with a woman who looks like Ditta Von Teese. So Wastey Stacey suddenly interrupts and with the most serious face that only drunk-ass-bitches make, slurs, "I have a Bachelors in Nutrition. And I want to find a... pharmaceutical... that will cure something that no one has ever thought of." Wow. Did we ever laugh at that one. Thank heaven for PVR and the ability to rewind and laugh over and over.

Then she proceeds to stuff her (I think they were worn) panties in his pocket while he's talking to someone else -- except his pants have no pocket. So her "subtle" come-on is suddenly very obvious. Fuck me that was funny. He handled it very well. I was particularly amused when he showed her white lace thong to the camera in the anteroom, cotton gusset facing out. Wait, was that vag juice America? Fun.

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Moment of Truth featured some Puerto Rican fake-titted, fake blonde, who looked like a porn star and claimed to be very religious. Even though her boyfriend was reminiscent of Lorenzo Lamas in the 80s, and she revealed she had hit him and that he had cheated on her on a business trip, we were kind of rooting for her. She was so forthright and unapologetic in her answers, claiming that the only person she cared about judging her was God, that I actually thought she was going to win all the money.

So after upsetting her mother, admitting she regrets breaking up with her ex-boyfriend in front of her new boyfriend and getting through some pretty hairy questions, she got nailed at just over $100,000. They asked her if she'd ever given sexual favours in order to get ahead in her career. She flat out said no and the lie detector said that wasn't true and just like that she was out. With zero.

Anyway, it always amazes me how people on that show will tell the most horrid truths about their loved ones, but usually get nailed on a career question. Please. That was not going to hurt her "modeling" career. So she gives the odd hand job to get the contract. La dee da. I think she really thought that she was fooling the system so well. I even thought she was either rather pious or a REALLY good liar. I should have known -- Scarbie's Law: When faced with the choice between pious and liar, remember 99% of people are liars to a degree. No one can be that good.

What are you watching these days?
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See people, you can squint with your eyes open. Do you see it?

It's still there.

It's still there.

No photo retouching kids. That's my natural three days of unwashed hair and Louis Vuitton-worthy undereye bags. I did put on lipstick so as not to totally frighten you. No mom should use PhotoBooth past midnight.

(Don't hate me because my eyebrows kick ass. I'm Armenian. I've been tweezing since I could hold tweezers.)