GBF Guest Post: How Fitting

Ragdoll writes faster than me so her "Gross, but Funny" post goes up first. Voila!

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Because I would consider this to be x-rated material, especially for the completely PG-13 My Tragic Right Hip, Scarbie has let me guest post on MFM. I just had to share my experiences at the doctor yesterday.

It's that time again. You know -- when you head off to the family doctor all washed up because you'll be dropping your drawers for the yearly examination? I figured because I had this week off, it might be the best time to get all the pipes looked at, might as well start my new job feeling healthy from the, ahem, inside out.

Annywaay. I also decided that I wanted to get a diaphragm, fairly archaic, I know, but I can't take the pill, and the thought of an IUD kind of freaks me out. So I say to the doctor, "I'm also wondering about diaphragms."

Now, she's fairly young. And not only has she never prescribed one before, she doesn't even know HOW they work. This is the doctor people. I say, "Well, it's a learning curve for both of us then."

Keep in mind that we have a this long conversation while my knees are up and my feet are in the stirrups, speculum IN, I should add.

"Don't get dressed. Let me just go ask someone about it."

The doctor leaves the room and comes back with a case of rubber rings. "Okay, I have to fit you, then I can write the prescription."

After a couple of failed attempts to even get the rubber fitting ring INSIDE, she tells me to put my fists under my pelvic bones. Then she uses HER fingers instead of instruments, fiddles around for a while, and says, "Let me just get in there to see if it's on right."

Ahem.

"I think we have to go up a size!"

Good to know.

"Does that feel comfortable?"

And, actually, it did.

"Okay, let's take this out now, I think we're good."

Pants back on she leaves the room again and comes back with not one but TWO nurses to help explain the complex and varied ways that one uses a diaphragm. Not only did they give me a good, long lecture about the value of the contraceptive, they brought props. That's right, I said props. Use your imagination.

One thing I didn't know: you have to leave that sucker in for twelve hours AFTER intercourse, or else the little buggers might still get to where they shouldn't be going. Oh, and you've got to feel for your cervix to get diaphragm on right. Having never been introduced to my cervix before, I'm thinking the first time I use the device, it's going to be quite interesting.

Cervix meet Diaphragm. Diaphragm meet Cervix.

The "being back in grade twelve gym class" feeling still strong, I finally left the office with my prescription and headed on over to the pharmacy. And just when I thought I couldn't be any more embarrassed, the pharmacist calls, "Ragdoll? Is Ragdoll here? You have a prescription for a diaphragm?"

Yes, that's me.

"Well, the doctor's written the wrong kind, is it okay if we change it to a different company?"

Yes, yes that's fine. (I don't know if I could have turned any more colours of pink, honestly.)

As I left with my tiny safe sex oval in my bag, I sort of got why so many women take the pill. Seriously.

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OK -- someone went first. If you've got a "Gross, but Funny" story to tell, email me at nadine(dot)silverthorne(at)gmail(dot)com. Your level of anonymity is totally up to you.