As promised

I am a woman of my word. Though I purport to tell everything there is to tell on this site, I'll admit that even I have my secrets. This is perhaps the most embarrassing story I have ever told you -- though that's up for debate.

Lately I've been trying to have more sex. Now that we're not using birth control, I figure that we should be "trying" -- especially when I'm not ovulating. I don't want to get preggers after only one foolish time like the previous time around. I want to make the most of condomless sex. You know, before I get pregnant and start to hate the two dicks that did this to me?

Last Thursday night, I went out with The Moms for a bitch n' brew session. I came home before midnight, far drunker than I thought I was after two(?) glasses of kir.

What I am about to reveal was embarrassingly recounted to me the following morning.

Apparently I got into bed and proceeded to caress my husband. Then I tried -- forcefully -- to make out with him. (OMG, I can barely get through this story, it's so humiliating) So I allegedly woke him out of a deep slumber, got him aroused, then rolled over (as in turned my back to him), patted his youknows awkwardly a few times, and then whispered sexily, (wait for it) "Touch yourself."

NO.

Please tell me you're joking?

NOOOOO.

The Dog tells me he's serious, but that the story actually gets worse. After I woke him up and was so lazy that I told him to do all the work by himself, to himself, I rolled over and masturbated until I passed out drunk.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Clearly I don't reeeeealy want to get pregnant.