I am a woman of my word. Though I purport to tell everything there is to tell on this site, I'll admit that even I have my secrets. This is perhaps the most embarrassing story I have ever told you -- though that's up for debate.
Lately I've been trying to have more sex. Now that we're not using birth control, I figure that we should be "trying" -- especially when I'm not ovulating. I don't want to get preggers after only one foolish time like the previous time around. I want to make the most of condomless sex. You know, before I get pregnant and start to hate the two dicks that did this to me?
Last Thursday night, I went out with The Moms for a bitch n' brew session. I came home before midnight, far drunker than I thought I was after two(?) glasses of kir.
What I am about to reveal was embarrassingly recounted to me the following morning.
Apparently I got into bed and proceeded to caress my husband. Then I tried -- forcefully -- to make out with him. (OMG, I can barely get through this story, it's so humiliating) So I allegedly woke him out of a deep slumber, got him aroused, then rolled over (as in turned my back to him), patted his youknows awkwardly a few times, and then whispered sexily, (wait for it) "Touch yourself."
Please tell me you're joking?
The Dog tells me he's serious, but that the story actually gets worse. After I woke him up and was so lazy that I told him to do all the work by himself, to himself, I rolled over and masturbated until I passed out drunk.
Clearly I don't reeeeealy want to get pregnant.