So the lovely folks at ABC have contacted me, asking if I'd be interested in participating in Wife Swap.
Let's be clear: I did not apply to be on the show. They found me. Although I will admit to watching a handful of episodes, the Dog has never seen the show as he has an allergy to reality TV. He needs an Epi-pen just to get through my obession with Idol.
I am both opposed to this show and a fan of this show. I feel like it puts us back 50 years. At the same time, the show does a lot for showing not only the importance of a mother in the home, but varying styles of parenting and household management. I love how at the end of these episodes, neither mother would trade her life for the other's. Even the pig shit-shoveling mom would rather go back to chopping wood at 5 am on the farm, than trade up to the Upper West Side penthouse with 3 nannies and dinner out every night. (Tough call on that one, but I guess my boys are worth it.)
Then there is the issue of the money. They do pay you to be on these shows. They pay you the equivalent of a down payment on a condo. When your kitchen ceiling seems to be peeling from the last rainstorm and your chimney needs to be rebuilt, this can be a tempting offer. But I'm not going to lie, it's definitely on the side of selling your soul to the devil.
Here are my issues against the show:
*It's at least a week away from Puppy. Puppy who is too small to know that his real mommy has not been replaced by this fake mommy.
* I don't have an extra room to put her in, so the Dog would have to go on the couch. (Or for some real good TV, they could make her sleep beside him.)
* My husband is opposed to the idea (but could be persuaded if I handle it right)
* Who the fuck are they going to pair me up with?
Oh yes readers, you've seen the show. They take your ass and send you to the family that is the total opposite of you. The. Total. OPPOSITE! They are going to send me to some inbred KKK family in the Ozarks, who say prayers a dozen times a day. Prayers that include, "Lord, let us pray for our dear president. He has tough decisions to make and so many people against him. May you smite down those who stand in opposition of this righteous man." I'll be lucky to get out before they lynch my Middle Eastern ass. I'm broke, but I ain't broke enough to get sent to 90210. Because you know I'd be living that up! Rodeo Drive, here I come! Hey Brandon, Kelly -- whassup? Are you going to the PPAD? Like, Omigod, that would be, like, so awesome to the max!
No they will send me to people who don't have... I can't even type it... deep breath... INTERNET! Then I will be praying alongside them, asking the Lord to smite me down and put me out of my misery. Oh please, give me the family that clips coupons, or runs 10 K everyday. I'll go to bible study and wear those awful Amish outfits from Witness. Anything but that.
Here are the Pros:
* A LOT OF MONEY for a short investment of time and familial discomfort.
So what do you think? What should I do Blogizens? I'm seriously taking votes.