Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Phantom Menace
Poo has taken over my life. So much so that I am now in the office, at the other side of the house, and I could SWEAR I can smell a dirty diaper. But Nate's asleep and there is no way his poop vapours could travel that far... IS THERE? Man, I'm beginning to feel a bit like Howard Hughes.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Top Products I Love as a New Mom
I went to a baby shower on Sunday and it got me thinking about the things I cannot live without now that I have a baby. Here, in random order, are my top faves.
1. Robeez
They're Canadian, they're leather, they keep socks on and they are damn cute. And if you shop around, you can get a good deal on them (Can you beat $20 at the Bonnie Togs booth at the Babytime show anyone?) It's never too soon to start a shoe addiction is it?
2. This Fisher Price Monitor
Remember Laser Zeppelin at the Planitarium? This is the baby version. Choice of four songs or wombish/heartbeat sounds and a kickass ceiling light show. Watch your babe zone out with the press of a button. Don't be surprised to catch your grown self tripping out to the adorable, smiley-faced characters too. (There goes that cutey star! Oh, there he goes again!)
Oh yeah, and you can hear if your baby wakes up and freaks out while you're in the shower, blogging on the other side of the house, or getting wasted in the neighbours backyard. Fisher Price Warehouse in Mississauga has them for $30.
3. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
Dr. Weissbluth is my best friend. He doesn't know me or anything, but if I ever met him, I would hug him. He is the reason I have been sleeping well since about 10 weeks into this baby biz. If you have a friend who is expecting, or someone with troublesome up-all-night- toddlers, buy her this book.
4. Yellow Sleepers and Onesies
Shit happens. Therefore, shit stains happen. Thanks to all those moms who came before me and lobbied for gender-neutral yellow. And thanks to the colour yellow, for being so forgiving when I am too lazy or forgetful to handwash poopy accidents right after they happen.
5. Tiny Love Play Mat Thingy
This stays right next to the desk and is the only way I can get emails checked. He barfs on it a thousand times and I can wash it over and over. Fisher Price makes a similar, flashier one with a mirror, so your little Narcissus can fall in love with his own image.
6. Chew Toys/Rattles
The Winkel, by Manhattan Toy and this Sassy rattle are two of Nate's faves. The Winkel rocks for learning to hang on and hold, pass from hand-to-hand and, bien sur, to chew on. (Everything goes in the mouth these days.) The Sassy rattle is textured and has a variety of colours and patterns, making it stimulating to look at, but also fun to chew on. Endless hours of distraction with these two.
7. The Bouncy Chair
I think it was a pivotal moment for all us non-moms watching Sex and the City a few seasons back, when the only thing that would shut Miranda's baby up was the miraculous bouncy chair. (Not to mention the huge belly laughs when the bouncy chair ran out of batteries and Samantha propped Brady up with her industrial-size vibrator.) Being that, at the time, many of us were still getting our stillettos caught in subway grates, this seemingly new invention was eye-opening. in those early weeks of colicky, endlessly needy, crying hell, the bouncy chair allowed me to make myself something to eat, get dressed or watch Oprah in peace. It also makes the perfect chair for feeding Nate (no room for a high chair in this tiny hole).
8. The Digital Camera
What a great gift. As a die-hard film lover, I was hesitant to make the switch. I still don't think that the average digital camera captures the warmth of a memory quite the way your conventional camera does. But the ease with which I can document and share photos of the Natester growing up, rules. And I can take a zillion photos if I want -- guilt-free and with no pain to my wallet.
9. The Skip Hop
A unisex diaper bag that goes with all your stuff. What a novel idea! I mean, it's 2005 people. Dads carry diaper bags too. And they are more likely to carry something that doesn't have teddy bears all over it. Bonus: The convertible straps allow you to clip the bag onto your stroller safely and with ease.
10. BabyCenter.com
I thought after the pregnancy was over, so too would end my weekly obsession with BabyCenter. Nope. Everytime I am freaking out about some baby issue, from developmental things to how to dress him for the seasons, BabyCenter has the answers from the pros: doctors and moms. Easily the most comprehensive baby site online.
1. Robeez
They're Canadian, they're leather, they keep socks on and they are damn cute. And if you shop around, you can get a good deal on them (Can you beat $20 at the Bonnie Togs booth at the Babytime show anyone?) It's never too soon to start a shoe addiction is it?
2. This Fisher Price Monitor
Remember Laser Zeppelin at the Planitarium? This is the baby version. Choice of four songs or wombish/heartbeat sounds and a kickass ceiling light show. Watch your babe zone out with the press of a button. Don't be surprised to catch your grown self tripping out to the adorable, smiley-faced characters too. (There goes that cutey star! Oh, there he goes again!)
Oh yeah, and you can hear if your baby wakes up and freaks out while you're in the shower, blogging on the other side of the house, or getting wasted in the neighbours backyard. Fisher Price Warehouse in Mississauga has them for $30.
3. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
Dr. Weissbluth is my best friend. He doesn't know me or anything, but if I ever met him, I would hug him. He is the reason I have been sleeping well since about 10 weeks into this baby biz. If you have a friend who is expecting, or someone with troublesome up-all-night- toddlers, buy her this book.
4. Yellow Sleepers and Onesies
Shit happens. Therefore, shit stains happen. Thanks to all those moms who came before me and lobbied for gender-neutral yellow. And thanks to the colour yellow, for being so forgiving when I am too lazy or forgetful to handwash poopy accidents right after they happen.
5. Tiny Love Play Mat Thingy
This stays right next to the desk and is the only way I can get emails checked. He barfs on it a thousand times and I can wash it over and over. Fisher Price makes a similar, flashier one with a mirror, so your little Narcissus can fall in love with his own image.
6. Chew Toys/Rattles
The Winkel, by Manhattan Toy and this Sassy rattle are two of Nate's faves. The Winkel rocks for learning to hang on and hold, pass from hand-to-hand and, bien sur, to chew on. (Everything goes in the mouth these days.) The Sassy rattle is textured and has a variety of colours and patterns, making it stimulating to look at, but also fun to chew on. Endless hours of distraction with these two.
7. The Bouncy Chair
I think it was a pivotal moment for all us non-moms watching Sex and the City a few seasons back, when the only thing that would shut Miranda's baby up was the miraculous bouncy chair. (Not to mention the huge belly laughs when the bouncy chair ran out of batteries and Samantha propped Brady up with her industrial-size vibrator.) Being that, at the time, many of us were still getting our stillettos caught in subway grates, this seemingly new invention was eye-opening. in those early weeks of colicky, endlessly needy, crying hell, the bouncy chair allowed me to make myself something to eat, get dressed or watch Oprah in peace. It also makes the perfect chair for feeding Nate (no room for a high chair in this tiny hole).
8. The Digital Camera
What a great gift. As a die-hard film lover, I was hesitant to make the switch. I still don't think that the average digital camera captures the warmth of a memory quite the way your conventional camera does. But the ease with which I can document and share photos of the Natester growing up, rules. And I can take a zillion photos if I want -- guilt-free and with no pain to my wallet.
9. The Skip Hop
A unisex diaper bag that goes with all your stuff. What a novel idea! I mean, it's 2005 people. Dads carry diaper bags too. And they are more likely to carry something that doesn't have teddy bears all over it. Bonus: The convertible straps allow you to clip the bag onto your stroller safely and with ease.
10. BabyCenter.com
I thought after the pregnancy was over, so too would end my weekly obsession with BabyCenter. Nope. Everytime I am freaking out about some baby issue, from developmental things to how to dress him for the seasons, BabyCenter has the answers from the pros: doctors and moms. Easily the most comprehensive baby site online.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
He likes it! He really likes it!
Originally uploaded by scarbiedoll.
Friday, June 10, 2005
One Foot at a Time
I just received a very deep, very personal email from a friend who has recently moved away. Her email was full of loneliness, hurt, and those true feelings from our dark side that we so often try to hide because we are afraid of what people might think. These are feelings we all go through to some degree, no matter what stage of life we are at. I've sometimes found myself feeling totally lonely even surrounded by a husband and family. Because there is nothing like a good girlfriend at the end of the day.
But even good girlfriends can fail you. My friend's email made me consider that sometimes I'm being smug without even realizing it. I like to share my joy with others so that they can see that there is hope, that there is beauty and love out there. But at the same time, am I flaunting that I have something that others don't? I just figure that everyone will find their passion, their soulmate, their one great belief if they are patient. But I never think of how my happiness might be a painful for those whose patience is wearing thin.
I have girlfriends who are trying to conceive and are having a terrible time of it. I have girlfriends who can't even get to the trying stage because they haven't found that special someone to start trying with. I even have a beautiful girlfriend who wants a child so badly, but whose chronic illness prevents her from having one.
But at the end of the day, that's the beauty of life. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, the fact that anything could change in a heartbeat. We are all entitled to the full range of emotions being human offers, no matter how unpalatable some of those feelings may be.
While reading the email, Nate was whining in the other room and I went in to get him. I picked him up by the arms and he proceeded to take a few shaky steps, one foot and then the other, toes clenched. I put my foot beside his and showed him a simple thing that my dear friend had shown me: how good it is to spread your toes wide apart. I was amazed by his natural instinct to try to walk. And I whispered to him, through glistening eyes, "That's it! You won't always make the right step. The important thing is that you tried." Then I smiled, thinking that this was true of what my friend was going through and also for any of us. Some things are instinctual. I think love is like that too. You've got to try many, many times. You've got to fall on your ass until it's blue and you feel like you'd rather crawl around on the floor. But then one day, when you're just about to give up, you get it.
We're often so caught up in what we are going through ourselves that we forget to probe into what a good pal might be going through. And not everyone wants to spill their guts on the internet like me for catharsis. So friends, if I've been self-absorbed, I apologize. Just know that I'm always here to listen and offer support, and there is never a bad time and you are never bothering me. Enjoy the final days of spring all!
But even good girlfriends can fail you. My friend's email made me consider that sometimes I'm being smug without even realizing it. I like to share my joy with others so that they can see that there is hope, that there is beauty and love out there. But at the same time, am I flaunting that I have something that others don't? I just figure that everyone will find their passion, their soulmate, their one great belief if they are patient. But I never think of how my happiness might be a painful for those whose patience is wearing thin.
I have girlfriends who are trying to conceive and are having a terrible time of it. I have girlfriends who can't even get to the trying stage because they haven't found that special someone to start trying with. I even have a beautiful girlfriend who wants a child so badly, but whose chronic illness prevents her from having one.
But at the end of the day, that's the beauty of life. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, the fact that anything could change in a heartbeat. We are all entitled to the full range of emotions being human offers, no matter how unpalatable some of those feelings may be.
While reading the email, Nate was whining in the other room and I went in to get him. I picked him up by the arms and he proceeded to take a few shaky steps, one foot and then the other, toes clenched. I put my foot beside his and showed him a simple thing that my dear friend had shown me: how good it is to spread your toes wide apart. I was amazed by his natural instinct to try to walk. And I whispered to him, through glistening eyes, "That's it! You won't always make the right step. The important thing is that you tried." Then I smiled, thinking that this was true of what my friend was going through and also for any of us. Some things are instinctual. I think love is like that too. You've got to try many, many times. You've got to fall on your ass until it's blue and you feel like you'd rather crawl around on the floor. But then one day, when you're just about to give up, you get it.
We're often so caught up in what we are going through ourselves that we forget to probe into what a good pal might be going through. And not everyone wants to spill their guts on the internet like me for catharsis. So friends, if I've been self-absorbed, I apologize. Just know that I'm always here to listen and offer support, and there is never a bad time and you are never bothering me. Enjoy the final days of spring all!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Top 10 Reasons Why I am a Crustaholic Today
I am crust city again today. These are my excuses in random order.
1. The Dog is applying for a Videofact grant to make a video for the band The Early Morning. He has a good idea, but no actual story. So we were up all hours arguing over what the story should be. Finally gave up and went to bed to read about baby foods.
2. Was frustrated over conflicting views on whether to start with cereals first (the common Western philosophy) or this new age stuff about starting with fruits and veggies first to prevent allergies. Although these people also would like be to grind up my own organic rice for the cereal. Is it not enough that I will be making my own baby food? Can't it just be simple?
3. My mum-in-law -- God love her -- keeps trying to feed Natey ice-cream. Perhaps I shouldn't freak out, but things are different now. They didn't have peanut allergies when she was a new mom either. And I think it should be up to me to decide when he should start trying foods. The worst part is I hate to even bring it up because we are getting along so well lately. I've been having a lot of fun with her and don't want to mess it up.
4. Woke up at 5 am to the smell of smoke. Kinda like BBQ ash/burning leaves-ish. I woke up the Dog and after checking it out and finding nothing, we both laid there paranoid. I lay awake longer I'm sure, thinking about Blondie and how she freaks out if I light a match beside her. I kept thinking, "She would have called the fire dept or the gas company by now. You're just so lazy that you're going to let your family die of carbon monoxide poisoning." Then everytime I started to drift off, I was convinced I was passing out and about to die in my sleep. Finally moved to the couch where I could not smell the odour and fell asleep to the sound of Nate sucking his thumb in the next room.
5. Having issues with time management, I consulted The Procrastinator's Handbook, which said I should do things I hate first thing in the morning. So I cleaned my oven. I HATE CLEANING THE OVEN! You ruin a totally good sponge everytime you do it and it never gets spotless. But everytime I try to cook something in that oven, it sets off the fire alarm, which makes us take out the batteries for ultra-sensitive fire alarm. So after smelling smoke last night, I thought it was time to clean the oven to prevent the smoking that causes the alarm to drive us nuts, thereby allowing us to put the batteries back in. I think I may also get a Carbon Monoxide detector as being a mom has turned me into a bigger paranoid freak than I already was.
6. Apparently a bloody starter home in Toronto, that you can move into with relatively little work and is in a slightly decent area that's close to downtown, starts at $300K these days! But for $250K, you can have a starter closet with moldy carpet and 15 years of cigarette smoke burned into the drywall. Or you can move back to the 'burbs (the HORROR!) making all your cool friends whisper how you became lame after having a kid and making your parents really happy in one shot. Ew.
7. Having a massage after 5 months of forward bending, for breast-feeding and nurturing a baby, makes you feel like Kirsten should've felt on The OC when she got hit by that 18-wheeler.
8. The Bush is beginning to resemble that of the chick in Last Tango in Paris . How will I ever fit in a wax AND a pedicure this week? Impossible. Maybe this will keep the Dog at bay for a while and we won't have anymore freakin' pregnancy scares.
9. Nate simultaneously barfed and shat so bad that I had no choice but to throw him in the bath.
10. I have to go to Walmart.
1. The Dog is applying for a Videofact grant to make a video for the band The Early Morning. He has a good idea, but no actual story. So we were up all hours arguing over what the story should be. Finally gave up and went to bed to read about baby foods.
2. Was frustrated over conflicting views on whether to start with cereals first (the common Western philosophy) or this new age stuff about starting with fruits and veggies first to prevent allergies. Although these people also would like be to grind up my own organic rice for the cereal. Is it not enough that I will be making my own baby food? Can't it just be simple?
3. My mum-in-law -- God love her -- keeps trying to feed Natey ice-cream. Perhaps I shouldn't freak out, but things are different now. They didn't have peanut allergies when she was a new mom either. And I think it should be up to me to decide when he should start trying foods. The worst part is I hate to even bring it up because we are getting along so well lately. I've been having a lot of fun with her and don't want to mess it up.
4. Woke up at 5 am to the smell of smoke. Kinda like BBQ ash/burning leaves-ish. I woke up the Dog and after checking it out and finding nothing, we both laid there paranoid. I lay awake longer I'm sure, thinking about Blondie and how she freaks out if I light a match beside her. I kept thinking, "She would have called the fire dept or the gas company by now. You're just so lazy that you're going to let your family die of carbon monoxide poisoning." Then everytime I started to drift off, I was convinced I was passing out and about to die in my sleep. Finally moved to the couch where I could not smell the odour and fell asleep to the sound of Nate sucking his thumb in the next room.
5. Having issues with time management, I consulted The Procrastinator's Handbook, which said I should do things I hate first thing in the morning. So I cleaned my oven. I HATE CLEANING THE OVEN! You ruin a totally good sponge everytime you do it and it never gets spotless. But everytime I try to cook something in that oven, it sets off the fire alarm, which makes us take out the batteries for ultra-sensitive fire alarm. So after smelling smoke last night, I thought it was time to clean the oven to prevent the smoking that causes the alarm to drive us nuts, thereby allowing us to put the batteries back in. I think I may also get a Carbon Monoxide detector as being a mom has turned me into a bigger paranoid freak than I already was.
6. Apparently a bloody starter home in Toronto, that you can move into with relatively little work and is in a slightly decent area that's close to downtown, starts at $300K these days! But for $250K, you can have a starter closet with moldy carpet and 15 years of cigarette smoke burned into the drywall. Or you can move back to the 'burbs (the HORROR!) making all your cool friends whisper how you became lame after having a kid and making your parents really happy in one shot. Ew.
7. Having a massage after 5 months of forward bending, for breast-feeding and nurturing a baby, makes you feel like Kirsten should've felt on The OC when she got hit by that 18-wheeler.
8. The Bush is beginning to resemble that of the chick in Last Tango in Paris . How will I ever fit in a wax AND a pedicure this week? Impossible. Maybe this will keep the Dog at bay for a while and we won't have anymore freakin' pregnancy scares.
9. Nate simultaneously barfed and shat so bad that I had no choice but to throw him in the bath.
10. I have to go to Walmart.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Double Trouble
Two weeks ago, our friends from E-town (Double Momma and Diskie) came for a visit with their twins, Maggie Jasper (left) and Daisy Bee (right). So the Nate-Dawg had his first threesome, with twins no less! His first instinct was to hold their hands. And as you can see, Daisy is just enamoured with him. We all had a picnic together in Trinity-Bellwoods park and it was fun having a day of "Look at them! Look at them now!" Since we only have a few friends with kids, it was refreshing to talk about parent stuff and not feel like dorks.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
The Thin Blue Line
I apologize for that last boring blog. I had some major news to tell, but wasn't sure what was going on and what I could disclose, so I ended up with a weak post. (Mind you, it is exciting to me that my boy can touch his feet. Just not to everyone else I presume.)
Last Sunday morning, I realized my period was four days late. Oh shit, I thought, it can't be. Impossible, I thought. We have been so careful! Lemme just do a test to put my mind at ease. I had an extra test in the medicine cabinet since I did 3 out of 4 when I thought I was having Nate. The stick turned blue in two seconds. My heart stopped. I put the stick down and went to make myself a cup of tea.
Went back to see if the offending stick was still blue. Holy Fucking Shit! I took it in to the Dog to make sure I wasn't just seeing things. He agreed that it was definitely blue. "How the hell did that happen?" "What are we going to do?" Fack!
I called the doc's office first thing Monday morn. "Hi, I was wondering if I could get in to see Dr. B today."
"What's wrong with you?" asked the stern receptionist on the other end. What's with doc's receptionists? It's like they are Brittney Spears' bodyguards or something.
"I think I may be pregnant."
"Did you do a test?"
"No."
I lied. And I lied because I was in total denial for one, and secondly because the last time she had asked me that (just over a year ago) and I had said yes, her flat answer was that home-pregnancy tests were almost 100% accurate and that I was definitely pregnant. Frankly, I just didn't want to hear that again. I needed a bloodtest dammit!
But she shot me down. "Do a test and call me back. If it's positive, we'll have to schedule a pre-natal. If it's negative and you're still late, I'll ask the nurse what we should do."
I hung up, waited 20 minutes and called back with the results from the day before. I couldn't get in till THURSDAY! Shitshitshit.
I cried off and on for three days. We examined every possibility: Did the condom break? Must have. But that's so strange. We were using "pull-and-pray" for a year and a half before you "let one fly" and we conceived Nate. I know. I guess it's meant-to-be. What the hell are we going to do? Well, it'll be tough, but we'll get through it. Is there anyway, we could NOT have this baby? That's totally up to you, love. We definitely have to have it. I can't imagine not having it. I will help you any way I can, love. Oh my God! I am not ready for my body to go through all that again. But at least my clothes can be worn again. Oh my God, have I even healed yet? You looked great the first time love. It will be fine. But that's my only worry. How hard this will be on you physically. Will I have to stop breast-feeding? Maybe I'll ween him before the new baby comes. Nate will be 13 months old, maybe he won't even know the difference. But I feel like I'm taking something away from him. Well, the second one will never get that kind of attention from you anyway. That's not fair for this one. No one will be excited about it. No one will truly be happy for his/her arrival. People will only worry about how we're going to do it. Who cares what anyone thinks? You're right. What am I going to do about work? We don't even have a proper place to live! Don't worry about a thing. I will take care of us. What are we going to do?
The Dog was positive and supportive and everything I wished I could be: calm. cool, caring. Unfortunately, I was in heavy panic mode. We saw his family that Sunday and said nothing. I wasn't ready for shocked looks of dismay and worry. I wanted my mommy or my sis, but they were in France. I wanted Queen Nomad, but she was in Italy. I wanted Blondie, but she was at the cottage. You get the picture. My confidentes were away and it wasn't something I wanted to broadcast. I was embarrassed. I am a smart, educated woman, not some baby-machine Maury Povich guest! And my son was not even 5 months old yet!
I kept this between the Dog and myself for 32 hours. It was total agony. I picked up my mom and sis on Monday (cried the whole way to the airport). I don't even think we were on the 409 yet when I blurted out, "I'm pregnant again."
"NOOOOO! (pause) That's a good one. Ha!"
"I'm serious."
"Woo... hoo?"
My family tried to cheer me up with their funny stories of my Mom hitting on hot French guys and attempting to smoke a ciggie with my sis in Cannes. They told me not to worry. That we would work it out. My dad tried to convince me, yet again, to move into their house. It's nice to know these things are available to me should I need them. I felt better. I even started to get excited. I mean, my sis and I are 16 months apart and my mom survived the stress of it all. This situation was quite common before the invention of birth control. I'm sure it happens to lots of women.
But I had this nagging feeling the whole time. I didn't feel a spirit in me. I didn't feel like there was life inside me. I didn't have an instant internal dialogue with this one. The Dog and my sis believed this was due to my apprehension at having this one so soon. Maybe they were right. So I started the baby book for the new baby to make sure he or she didn't feel overlooked down the road.
So I slowly began to fill people in. Tuesday night, Blondie came over and her jaw dropped when I told her, but shock instantly turned to support. "I guess I gotta come by more to help out," she mused. "You guys do make cute babies after all." Kerouac told me that her boyfriend and his sister are 10 months apart. "Don't worry. It'll work out. The Dog needs to get a job now, but then... he always needed to get a job." Poor Doggy. He's been working four sparsely employing jobs trying to make ends meet. Ah the life of a struggling artist.
V laughed her head off and kindly returned the maternity clothes I had outgrown early on and lent her. "Take my pregnancy wedge. It's better than a body pillow." We laughed at how God sometimes gives you a strange answer to your prayers, especially when your wish is too broad. "God, help me find a way to stay home with Nate" = Bam! Pregnant again! Queen of research, V said she would look up the best double stroller for me, as well as the labour laws regarding these situations. I have great friends.
On Thursday morning, the Dog left for work and I was getting ready to leave for the doc. A quick trip to the bathroom and there it was. The thin red line on the toilet paper. A disturbing answer to my prayers. Whatever was in my body, it wasn't staying around. And I felt like a horrible person, but I prayed that it wouldn't. I wasn't sad about it either. More emotional about not wanting this to be. But it never felt like someone was living there, so how could I be sad?
The doc said that what I had experienced was a blighted ovum. A fertilized egg that would never be an embryo, never be a baby. A genetic mismatch. And the amazing female body, yet again, knowing what belongs and what doesn't. So no new baby. Just one truly amazing miracle who turned 5 months old the day this fiasco ended. I think I'll go kiss his sleeping face now.
Last Sunday morning, I realized my period was four days late. Oh shit, I thought, it can't be. Impossible, I thought. We have been so careful! Lemme just do a test to put my mind at ease. I had an extra test in the medicine cabinet since I did 3 out of 4 when I thought I was having Nate. The stick turned blue in two seconds. My heart stopped. I put the stick down and went to make myself a cup of tea.
Went back to see if the offending stick was still blue. Holy Fucking Shit! I took it in to the Dog to make sure I wasn't just seeing things. He agreed that it was definitely blue. "How the hell did that happen?" "What are we going to do?" Fack!
I called the doc's office first thing Monday morn. "Hi, I was wondering if I could get in to see Dr. B today."
"What's wrong with you?" asked the stern receptionist on the other end. What's with doc's receptionists? It's like they are Brittney Spears' bodyguards or something.
"I think I may be pregnant."
"Did you do a test?"
"No."
I lied. And I lied because I was in total denial for one, and secondly because the last time she had asked me that (just over a year ago) and I had said yes, her flat answer was that home-pregnancy tests were almost 100% accurate and that I was definitely pregnant. Frankly, I just didn't want to hear that again. I needed a bloodtest dammit!
But she shot me down. "Do a test and call me back. If it's positive, we'll have to schedule a pre-natal. If it's negative and you're still late, I'll ask the nurse what we should do."
I hung up, waited 20 minutes and called back with the results from the day before. I couldn't get in till THURSDAY! Shitshitshit.
I cried off and on for three days. We examined every possibility: Did the condom break? Must have. But that's so strange. We were using "pull-and-pray" for a year and a half before you "let one fly" and we conceived Nate. I know. I guess it's meant-to-be. What the hell are we going to do? Well, it'll be tough, but we'll get through it. Is there anyway, we could NOT have this baby? That's totally up to you, love. We definitely have to have it. I can't imagine not having it. I will help you any way I can, love. Oh my God! I am not ready for my body to go through all that again. But at least my clothes can be worn again. Oh my God, have I even healed yet? You looked great the first time love. It will be fine. But that's my only worry. How hard this will be on you physically. Will I have to stop breast-feeding? Maybe I'll ween him before the new baby comes. Nate will be 13 months old, maybe he won't even know the difference. But I feel like I'm taking something away from him. Well, the second one will never get that kind of attention from you anyway. That's not fair for this one. No one will be excited about it. No one will truly be happy for his/her arrival. People will only worry about how we're going to do it. Who cares what anyone thinks? You're right. What am I going to do about work? We don't even have a proper place to live! Don't worry about a thing. I will take care of us. What are we going to do?
The Dog was positive and supportive and everything I wished I could be: calm. cool, caring. Unfortunately, I was in heavy panic mode. We saw his family that Sunday and said nothing. I wasn't ready for shocked looks of dismay and worry. I wanted my mommy or my sis, but they were in France. I wanted Queen Nomad, but she was in Italy. I wanted Blondie, but she was at the cottage. You get the picture. My confidentes were away and it wasn't something I wanted to broadcast. I was embarrassed. I am a smart, educated woman, not some baby-machine Maury Povich guest! And my son was not even 5 months old yet!
I kept this between the Dog and myself for 32 hours. It was total agony. I picked up my mom and sis on Monday (cried the whole way to the airport). I don't even think we were on the 409 yet when I blurted out, "I'm pregnant again."
"NOOOOO! (pause) That's a good one. Ha!"
"I'm serious."
"Woo... hoo?"
My family tried to cheer me up with their funny stories of my Mom hitting on hot French guys and attempting to smoke a ciggie with my sis in Cannes. They told me not to worry. That we would work it out. My dad tried to convince me, yet again, to move into their house. It's nice to know these things are available to me should I need them. I felt better. I even started to get excited. I mean, my sis and I are 16 months apart and my mom survived the stress of it all. This situation was quite common before the invention of birth control. I'm sure it happens to lots of women.
But I had this nagging feeling the whole time. I didn't feel a spirit in me. I didn't feel like there was life inside me. I didn't have an instant internal dialogue with this one. The Dog and my sis believed this was due to my apprehension at having this one so soon. Maybe they were right. So I started the baby book for the new baby to make sure he or she didn't feel overlooked down the road.
So I slowly began to fill people in. Tuesday night, Blondie came over and her jaw dropped when I told her, but shock instantly turned to support. "I guess I gotta come by more to help out," she mused. "You guys do make cute babies after all." Kerouac told me that her boyfriend and his sister are 10 months apart. "Don't worry. It'll work out. The Dog needs to get a job now, but then... he always needed to get a job." Poor Doggy. He's been working four sparsely employing jobs trying to make ends meet. Ah the life of a struggling artist.
V laughed her head off and kindly returned the maternity clothes I had outgrown early on and lent her. "Take my pregnancy wedge. It's better than a body pillow." We laughed at how God sometimes gives you a strange answer to your prayers, especially when your wish is too broad. "God, help me find a way to stay home with Nate" = Bam! Pregnant again! Queen of research, V said she would look up the best double stroller for me, as well as the labour laws regarding these situations. I have great friends.
On Thursday morning, the Dog left for work and I was getting ready to leave for the doc. A quick trip to the bathroom and there it was. The thin red line on the toilet paper. A disturbing answer to my prayers. Whatever was in my body, it wasn't staying around. And I felt like a horrible person, but I prayed that it wouldn't. I wasn't sad about it either. More emotional about not wanting this to be. But it never felt like someone was living there, so how could I be sad?
The doc said that what I had experienced was a blighted ovum. A fertilized egg that would never be an embryo, never be a baby. A genetic mismatch. And the amazing female body, yet again, knowing what belongs and what doesn't. So no new baby. Just one truly amazing miracle who turned 5 months old the day this fiasco ended. I think I'll go kiss his sleeping face now.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Paranoia Self-Destroya
It always comes back to "Mr. Roboto". The song that lead to the breakup of Styx.
Anyway, did I mention that I stupidly Googled "infant stroke" two weeks ago? I had good intentions. I wanted to pitch Today's Parent an article on infant strokes, so other parents could know what signs to look for and what resources are available in Canada. Anyways, all I did was get depressed. So many parents looking for support online with children who barely walk at age 3 and all kinds of other sad stuff.
Then I started to get paranoid. I started checking out all these baby development charts and realizing that Nate wasn't rolling over yet. In fairness to the charts, they give a wide range for your baby, so it's up to the mom to interpret what her baby should be doing by a certain age. Also, no two baby's are alike. Some babies walk before they can crawl, for example. Some babies never roll over.
So I got into a panic. I called my sister all depressed and she did what any smart sister would do. She bitched me out. "Well, you baby him too much. You pick him up every time he fusses. Just leave him on the mat and see what he does."
She was right. That night at her place I left him on his back when he was fussing. Sure enough he rolled to his side (something he's been doing for some time now) and then fussed some more until he managed to get on his tummy. Wow. How cool is that?
My mom and sis left for France the next day, lucky girls, and that weekend I went to check up on my dad. We were watching Nate play and noticed he was grabbing his feet all of a sudden. Awesome! It's amazing how you can be excited over these wee things.
Anyway, did I mention that I stupidly Googled "infant stroke" two weeks ago? I had good intentions. I wanted to pitch Today's Parent an article on infant strokes, so other parents could know what signs to look for and what resources are available in Canada. Anyways, all I did was get depressed. So many parents looking for support online with children who barely walk at age 3 and all kinds of other sad stuff.
Then I started to get paranoid. I started checking out all these baby development charts and realizing that Nate wasn't rolling over yet. In fairness to the charts, they give a wide range for your baby, so it's up to the mom to interpret what her baby should be doing by a certain age. Also, no two baby's are alike. Some babies walk before they can crawl, for example. Some babies never roll over.
So I got into a panic. I called my sister all depressed and she did what any smart sister would do. She bitched me out. "Well, you baby him too much. You pick him up every time he fusses. Just leave him on the mat and see what he does."
She was right. That night at her place I left him on his back when he was fussing. Sure enough he rolled to his side (something he's been doing for some time now) and then fussed some more until he managed to get on his tummy. Wow. How cool is that?
My mom and sis left for France the next day, lucky girls, and that weekend I went to check up on my dad. We were watching Nate play and noticed he was grabbing his feet all of a sudden. Awesome! It's amazing how you can be excited over these wee things.
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