Friday, December 31, 2004

New Year's Heave

Well, it's a day before the official due date, and ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent.

It's a balmy 10 degrees Celcius in Toronto today! I have planned an extended walk today to get gravity working in my favour. Maybe some Indian food for lunch. I would try to get it on with the Dog again, but circumstances have me confused.

Yesterday we headed out to run some errands and on the way I got a call from Sista Sunshine. "Are you on your way to, or from, the doctor's?"
"Ohmigosh! It's Thursday today? Holy shit! I'm an hour late for my appointment!"

I swear, I have no concept of the days now that I'm off. We rush to the doctor. Luckily we were in the car already so made it there in 15 minutes. They stop seeing patients by 3 pm usually and it was just after 3! And of course, there is some crazy ass bitch with crazy ass bitch hair in the reception window, arguing about how she made an appointment a year in advance--for 20 minutes! I so wanted to push her aside and say, "Hey lady, do you mind? I just need a cup to piss in. Thanks."

So thankfully I had plied them all with Christmas cards and chocolate two weeks ago and they kindly squeezed me in. I put on a pound, bringing the grand total to 154 lbs from a 129 lbs start. That's officially 25 lbs. Phew! I just wanted to make it to 25 lbs. Then I had a cervical exam to see how dialated I am, if at all. Dr. Lee looked me in the eye and warned, "I'm not gonna lie to you. This isn't going to be pleasant."
"I figured as much," I replied dryly.

Then she rammed her finger way the hell up my twat. The pressure was unbelievable uncomfortable. It gave me a small inkling as to what this crap is actually going to feel like when all is said and done. Friends, I'm not gonna lie to you, you can survive it, but it's not fun.

She mentioned that the exam sometimes serves to get things going labour-wise. She also said I might have some spotting afterwards. ***GROSS ALERT*** So I have had quite a bit of goopy brown stuff since then, but am not sure if this is just spotting, or mucous plug falling out. This is why I think I should avoid sex. Once the mucous plug is out, the baby can be exposed to a variety of bacteria and infections. If it is indeed out though, it means labour will start within 2-3 days.

So they have scheduled me for an ultrasound next Thursday and if he's not out on his own by then, well then they will look inside to see the conditions and will schedule an induction. He could possibly be born next Thursday, which was oddly more shocking and scary to me than the prospect that he could come any day now. So weird. Anyway, I'm not too thrilled about the thought of induction, it makes me feel as though I have failed somehow to do this thing entirely on my own. I know that's not true, but it's just how I feel. However, anything could happen between now and Thursday. I'll keep you posted. If you don't hear from me for a few days, it likely means that all worked out naturally.

I'm giving up on the whole "first baby of the year" prize-winning thing and the Dog and I are going to this awesome place Tempo for dinner tonight. It's walking distance, so I figure I'll get some more exercise out of it. Plus it's Japanese fusion, so maybe the wasabi will wake this babe up. Send good vibes.

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Wax On, Wax Off

So I was debating going to get a Brazillian wax today, but I had get-this-baby-out-of-me sex again instead. Still no baby. The sex roughed me up pretty bad, (to clarify, sex itself was not rough, but the act is not working so well with the extremely puffy "down there" region) so the wax is definitely out for today. I'm still not totally decided on whether or not I should go bald for the birth or what. Any opinions?

On the side of waxing:
1. You are easily able to tell the baby's hair from your own.
2. Those scary hairy bushes in the birthing videos freak me out.
3. It's cleaner for after when I will be too lazy to even do it.

In defense of not waxing:
1. It's natural to have hair "down there."
2. It's going to hurt like a bitch and likely bleed if I do wax, therefore possibly causing infection.
3. What will the regrowth/ingrown factor be like when I have stitches and am totally raw down there from pushing a human out?

What should I do?

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Tsunami Mommy

One of the Christmas gifts I got was a long and touching, if somewhat scary, letter from my cousin's wife, Texas Martha Stewart (to clarify for those of you who don't know: she's a super-crafty homemaker and from Texas originally), that I read on Christmas Day. I had interpreted it as slightly negative and "American" (please don't take offense at this generalization, I mean it as the atmosphere created by your evil president) in sentiment as the entire thing was about how fear would plague my life now that I was to be a mom, and how I'd never be able to watch the news or read the newspaper again without thinking, "What if that was my child?"

I scoffed at it at first. I am a cool, urban leftie after all. I usually regard fear and worry with disdain, dismissing them as commercial propaganda, instituted to make you buy more stuff to make you feel safe. This does not mean that I am not neurotic in my own right, as is evidenced in my blog, but that I feel you can't go around being afraid of everything that might happen or you'll never leave your house.

And then the next day, the unthinkable happened. That insane tsunami hit the Indian Ocean and I immediately had all the feelings she mentioned in her note.

I keep thinking of women that are pregnant for the first time and near-due like me, who might have been thrust into nothingness by the angry ocean and never had the chance to realize the dream of being a mother. I've thought of those who have gone into labour in the midst of those horrible conditions. And then I thought of all the mothers out there, who would gladly give up their lives in such a tragedy if it meant saving their children. Wow. The maternal force is a powerful one. We are amazing creatures and sometimes, though unfortunate, it takes tragedies like this to make us realize that.

And yet I stlll managed to find (innapropriate) humour in the whole thing, by joking about how I'm waiting for a tsunami in my underpants so that I'll finally know if I'm in labour or not. Typical. But seriously, when's the last time you even said tsunami before Sunday? I'm here till Thursday folks! Try the meatloaf.

Anyway, I encourage everyone to give a donation, no matter how small, to one of the aid agencies. Even $20 bucks can add up. And really, who can't spare $20? Skip your Grande non-fat lattes for a week and you have no excuse at all.

World Vision
Candian Red Cross
Oxfam Canada

Wine, Dine... Soixante-Neuf?

Notice how everything sounds hotter en Francais?

Still no baby, but pre-labour symptoms are increasing. I actually gave in and had sex Monday night to get things going. They say semen is supposed to have prostoglandins which help the cervix to soften. Double that with some love button stimulation and a HUGE pregnancy double orgasm (releasing the hormone oxytocin in the pituitary gland) and you're increasing the factors that help to induce labour. Now I have to eat some Indian food and maybe take some castor oil and we're in business (bowel movements help to bring on labour - nasty but true).

The only problem is that I once again tore after having sex, and since I haven't gone into labour yet, I assume I have to keep trying these methods so the baby will get here on New Year's Eve. That might be a bit "owie" considering I do have to push a baby out after all that. Will think on it some more.

The Dog and I have been spending lots of time around the apartment, watching flicks and getting in the alone time that we will never truly have again. Yesterday his folks came by and we took them out for a nice lunch to celebrate his mom's retirement. We had a really good time and I did indulge in half a glass of wine. I half enjoyed it and was half plagued by guilt for doing it. Dammit. Do I have no self-control?

Baby is moving really well, playing footsie with me. He sticks his foot out and I grab it, then he retracts and back and forth we go. The Dog likes to kiss the spot where his foot sticks out and have Baby kick him in the face. Funny.

Monday, December 27, 2004


No baby yet. Having some pains, not sure what they are. So far everyone I have asked has something else to tell me, so women are like snowflakes -- no two are alike in pregnancy. Will just have to chill and listen to my body and wait for a big sign.

Have had a bit of a chest cold the past week and last night I woke up coughing from the dryness of the apartment (definitely need some plants and a humidifier) and was up for about two hours. Decided to give up on sleep and try some TV watching. Figure it's practice for night feedings. Settled down to Martha Stewart's Top 50 "Good Things" at 4 am. Thank God Life Network decided to bring her back! There is something so soothing about Martha's perfect world. When it was over I was definitely ready to get back to sleep.

The Dog got up before me and decided to go for a walk. I love a dog that can walk himself. Plus it gets him out of my hair. I think we're both getting a little sick and tired of hanging around the apartment with nothing much to clean up or fix up. I wish I had a puzzle. I could read, but keep picking up the baby books and then subconsciously turning on the tube to catch up on years of missed General Hospital episodes and those addictive baby shows.

So today I made a list of stuff we need to get for the apartment (like a humidifier) and decided that we should go to WALMART of all places. Keep in mind that in Canada, we all have today and tomorrow off since Christmas and Boxing Day were on the weekend. So everyone and there monkey was out shopping at Walmart. What the heck were we thinking? It started out OK as we headed straight for McD's to have a Big Mac (Shhhh...I haven't had one since November at least OK!). Someone stole our cart while we were in there, which pissed us off.

I said to the Dog, "Hey, did you see that woman beside us with no teeth and the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt? I think she took it."
To which the Dog replied, "Oh, yeah. The one whose husband was yelling at her?"
"No wait. This woman didn't have a man with her. She was with her scary toothless sister I think."

It was that kind of day at the Duff folks. There were two toothless women in Mickey Mouse sweatshirts in McD's at the same time. We got another cart and about half of the stuff on the list. My cramps started to increase and I felt I had to get out of there. So we just abandoned the cart and aborted the mission. We get to the car, shaking our heads at what a waste of time that was, only to realize the Dog doesn't have the car keys. Oh Lord. Of course, all I kept thinking was, "Am I going to give birth in the Walmart parking lot?" And the entire time, people keep driving up, rolling down their windows and asking politely, "Excuse me, are you leaving?" To which I would bark back nastily, " No, we lost our keys. But if we find them, this spot is yours."

Luckily someone turned in the keys at the Customer Service desk. Grrrrr. What a waste of an outing.

Christmas Day rocked by the way. My folks and sis came over for turkey here, and though we were snug, it was nice. We scored really well too. My parents bought us a digital camera so I can now easily add photos to the site and email them to friends and fam. Very exciting. My sister was alarmed when she first saw this gift and said to my folks, "Whoa. I didn't realize we were getting that level of gift this year." [Mamacita usually buys us some pjs, as she did this year again, and maybe doesn't cash my car insurance check for January.] "It's the insemination fee," Grumps replied. He kills me.

Originally uploaded by scarbiedoll.
Nevermind! Sista Sunshine bought me the dopest pair of shades with blingy D&G on the sides. She bought baby an heirloom bear from Holts and some cool books. Here's the photo so you can see the combination of all the gifts, including my pjs, chosen so carefully -- they say Movie Star on them and have pin-up girls all over! Sista Sunny also outed the Dog on his love of Shania by buying him the Greatest Hits compilation. Heh. We played it while doing the dishes yesterday. Cheezy fun. When is this baby coming?

Saturday, December 25, 2004


Originally uploaded by scarbiedoll.
Baby's cute room and accumulating stuff. See the cute paintings I painted for him? Just need some bookshelves over change table (not pictured) and for Daddy/Doggy to get his cool lamp up. Scanner sucks so colours look a bit dull. Click for larger image.

Posting Presents for my Peeps

Originally uploaded by scarbiedoll.
Gift #1. My Belly at 35 weeks, taken by Shantih a.k.a. Christine Anderson (let me know if any of you Torontonians are interested in having this done and I'll hook you up with her). The Dog's reaction to these were mixed. He was initially upset that someone else had taken these of me and that he hadn't thought of it first. He was also a tad jealous because they turned out so well. He didn't like someone else's interpretation of me through the lens being so good. Now, he is totally in love with these images and stares at them all the time. I am totally in love with these and am so glad I did them. I even like that you can see my stretch marks in the last one. They are the body's road maps, representing the journeys we as women have taken in our lives (I can say that because I know they will turn white soon enough!)

Merry Babyless Christmas

Well, he hasn't come yet. No, not Santa. Baby. And the Spirit of Goodness that watches over us gave me another miracle: I survived Christmas with the in-laws! It was the first Christmas in eight Christmasses with them that no one got into a fight! Amazing. Everyone was so excited about Baby that no one got all huffy. I think the Dog was confused by this civility and he kind of got envious of the way his family was treating me. He was feeling like I get along better with them than he does. I reassured him that it's only because I'm carrying their kin, and just give it two or three Christmasses and they'll be back to bullying me again.

Mistakes I've made in the past that I didn't make last night:
1. Baking something: Last year, for example, I made a trifle for my father-in-law. This is considered a) brown-nosing by my sis-in-law, and b) a deliberate attempt to upstage whatever ice-cream/store-bought pie/dessert plan is in place by my mum-in-law.
2. Wearing something too cool: Last night I wore a plain red ribbed maternity sweater, avoiding any comments on my normally cooler clothes like, (insert seething voice here) "Oh Nadine, you're soooo.... Fun-kay."
3. Playing board games: Why do people who are completely hammered insist on playing competitive board games? I know I can be a bit of a know-it-all, esp. when it comes to trivia games, but come on, do you really need to call me a "FUCKING know-it-all" on Christmas Eve? I'll just play dumb next time you don't know the answer to something as simple as "Who was the Canadian host of the popular game show Let's Make a Deal? (K, maybe Monty Hall questions don't come easy for everyone, but let's play nice kids.)
4. Snuggling up with the men in the fam: It's really the women that have it out for me. The boys love me. This is a sore spot I think. Subconsciously my mum-in-law may feel like I'm stealing her son or something. I dunno, but last night I just sat in my corner and didn't snuggle much with anyone in particular and that may have saved me.

I gotta tell you that when I do get along with my in-laws, which is more often than not, I really appreciate them. My sis-in-law can make me laugh my ass off. My mum-in-law is kind and warm and usually doesn't get up in my grill. But when either of them decides to make me a target... WATCH OUT! Anyway, it was a lovely Christmas and I hope that you all had a good time too. I will be leaving some presents on this site for you faithful followers, so stay tuned.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Diggin' a Hole to 'gina

I am surprised that no one is wondering if I've gone into labour yet. I officially passed the 38 week mark yesterday, so technically I have two weeks to go. Want to start placing bets on the date?

Friday night I had dinner with the girls and I gotta tell you, I had an amazing time. We went to this little French resto near my place called Cafe Margaux and the food was to die for. The desserts were like art! We were in heaven and 3 out of four of us were tipsy. Pipes bought Baby the cutest Levi's Red Tab jeans! Oh man - he's gonna look so cute in those!

I had plans to go to the karaoke bar afterwards, but the other three were so mushed out on vino that they plopped themselves down on my couch and started watching TV. I got aggitated and basically kicked them out. Mommy was high on chocolate and needed to get out one last time.

So they dropped me off at the karaoke bar on their way home. I went in, saw a bunch of my former coworkers (the ones who were smart enough to get out before things got REALLY bad), saw many of my present coworkers, got up on stage, gave an amazing rendition of "Papa Don't Preach" and went home. That's all I needed. Just one last awesome performance, and did I ever do a good job! I love performing now that I've gotten over my anxiety. It was a good fear to conquer.

Yesterday I woke up and noticed the baby wasn't really moving. I monitored him all day and grew increasingly worried about it. By the time Kerouac popped by to pick up some stuff and see the baby's room, I was freaking. I told her I was thinking of calling the hospital and she agreed that I should. At this stage in the game, they tell you to call if you notice a decrease in baby's movements. He is a very active baby, especially after I eat or drink, but he was doing nothing!

I called the doctor on call and she told me to come in just to put my mind at ease if nothing else. So we did a dry run in a way. Got the bag in the car, drove the 15 minutes to the hospital, parked and checked in. The nurse was waiting for us and she immediately hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor. "Well there's his heartbeat," she said, "so we can all breathe a deep sigh of relief."

Phew! But he still wasn't moving the way he normally does. Usually, you can see a giant foot sticking out several times a day. She said his heartbeat was textbook and also noted some mild cramps/contractions I was having. They are definitely becoming more frequent and feel like the sort of lower back pain you experience when you have your period.

Then the on call doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. Wow, it was tough seeing baby at this stage because he is so huge. The other day at the doctor, they guessed that he was about 7 1/2 pounds now. "Where's his head?" His head is all the way down, what they call "engaged" so the nurse and doctor were very excited about that. You could barely see it on the screen it was so deep in my pelvis. His cute little arm was beside his head, but he wasn't moving at all.

Pushing and prodding would not wake him up. Then the nurse had an idea. "Let me get the shaver." I looked puzzled and scared at this statement, so she explained, "I'm not going to shave you, but the sound or the vibration sometimes helps to wake them up." She buzzed the shaver up near his head and bingo, he was moving. Phew.

Apparently, my placenta (or at least the muscular wall part) is down low on the right side, just below where he normally kicks me. But the little bugger has moved so low that I may not feel the kicks as much because his feet are kicking against that wall. I guess that a lot of the activity I've been feeling is him tunnelling his way down. Oh boy. When is this kid gonna show up?

"Never feel bad to come in," they told us. "A mother's intuition is better than any science or medicine, so don't feel like you're bugging us." They were so nice and supportive, I felt good about the choice of hospital. And I felt good about living in a country where it doesn't cost you to go to the hospital, so you can easily go in and have something like this checked out without having $2 to your name. Amazing.

Anyway, of course the second we got home he was a little soccer player. And he's been kicking the crap out of me ever since. But a kicking baby is a happy baby, so at least I can find comfort in that. Now hopefully I don't go into labour tonight, because the Dog took my hospital bag out of the car (with the good intention that since it is -20 celcius today, my clothes would be freezing should we need them) and left it at his mother's this afternoon -- accidentally mind you, but they live far from us. So he'll have to get the bag tomorrow after dropping me at work for my last day.

Send me good vibes people, I need it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The Fairy Gabriel

On Sunday, I had a few close friends over for snacks, etc. On her way out the door, my ex-boss and fabulously funny pal Shortbread, noted the gay male contigent that was showing up as she was leaving. "As you get older," she remarked, "The less and less need you have for straight men." Mind you she did recently switch over to... ahem... well, to not needing straight men at all. I pointed to my belly and said, "This is it! I have my one straight man and he's done his job. For everything else it's gay men all the way."

Yesterday was maybe the worst day ever that became the best day ever. I found out some horrific news from an acquaintance of an acquaintance. So I was supposed to hang out with my other fairy godmother, Damo, last night. But due to my horrible day and lack of sleep, I cancelled on him. On my way home, I popped into Holts to see my Sista. After explaining everything to her in the fancy bathroom of the department store and getting some moral support, I walked her back down to her area and started to make my way home.

A tall, thin, well-dressed, fabulous gay black man whizzed by me. He passed me by a few steps and then stopped dead in his tracks and whipped around, locking eyes with me.

"You're having a boy," he exclaimed.
"Yes, yes I am." I smiled. Wow, retail gay men have a gift for guessing sexes, I thought.
"You're having a boy. And he's going to be a big boy, mmm hmmm." He was so confident, he just kept nodding reassuringly. "8 1/2 pounds," he said without flinching, but with a look of sympathy in his eyes when sizing up my petite frame.
"OK," I said, "When I have the baby, I'll bring him by to confirm."
He looked at me as if to say, no need honey—I know what I'm talking about! He envelopped my hand in his beautiful chocolate skin.
"Mmm hmmm... and he's going to be cute too. Really cute."
Then, with a flip of his heels he was off. "Best of luck to you darling," he called out. And POOF, the poof was gone.

I stood there, dumbfounded, with a smile on my face. Virgin Mary I ain't, but that was the closest modern day adaptation of the Annunciation for me. The Angel Gabriel he wasn't, but I'll take the Fairy Gabriel any day. Amen! I feel blessed and last night I had the best night of sleep in a long time.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Wait... but I still have to send out my Christmas cards!

So on my friend V's request, I will write briefly about the new hell that has started.

Last night I woke up at 3 am with severe cramps. It wasn't the first time, but it was really noticeable this time. I went for my first pee since bedtime, which is a miracle that I made it to 3 am without getting up. I did my business and noticed a drop of something pinky-brown on the seat and started to freak out. Was this it? was it starting? Ohmigodohmigodohmigod!

I realized that it was nothing, but the menstrual feeling cramps were not subsiding. I lay in bed and tried to get back to sleep to no avail. Oh no! I can't be going into labour. I mean, I still have two major items to wrap up at work... and I've written my Christmas cards but haven't sent them... and I haven't replaced my OHIP card yet... and if I give birth on December 14th the 12+14+2004= 5 in numerology and my lucky number is 7... so I just need two more days and I can have baby when the date adds up to 7! Yes that's it. If I can just make it to Thursday!

At 4 am I woke the Dog up. It wasn't fair that he was sleeping so soundly while I was having a major freak out. Mind you, in prenatal class they told us that if we go into labour in the middle of the night, we should try to get back to sleep and not wake up our husbands. Yeah. Whatever.

But the Dog is the best. He got up after a few nudges and got me some milk and made himself a cup of tea. Then he did a little dance for me to make me laugh. Then he made fun of me for freaking out about Christmas cards. Then he snuggled up to me and put his soothing hand on my belly, while Baby kicked up a storm.

And then we finally got to sleep. When the alarm went off it was harsh. I so should not be working now. That was dumb planning. I am a zombie. This sucks so bad.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Waiting for the Bloody Show to Start

Just got back from breakfast and managed to get floor seats for the Duran Duran concert in April. It's crazy how you have to buy tickets so far in advance now! Anyway, I should be able to take a breather with the girls by then. Plus the babysitting offers are just pouring in, though I think the Dog would prefer a night alone with his son (or so he says now). Sorry little baby, you're just going to have to sit this show out. You already got to see Madonna, in utero no less! You may be a bit young for the Fab Five.

So now that I'm "full-term", how the fuck do you know that you're in labour? Well apparently you wait for something called "The Bloody Show." Mmmm, doesn't that sound wonderful? When you get pregnant, you aquire a few accessories, one of which is a gorgeous sounding number called "the mucous plug." I wonder if you can get that at Dior? This plug acts like a barrier, so nothing can get up your cervix and into the placenta. So if you're still shoving dirty dildos up there in your 8th month (and really, who isn't?), or maybe your partner isn't so clean, baby is still relatively safe. When your body is ready to get into labour mode, your mucous plug drops out and you might see some pink stuff on your panties, or even drops of red in some cases. You don't have to do anything at this point, unless you start bleeding heavily (soaking a pad an hour), which may mean you have some sort of placental abruption and you should go to the hospital right away.

Otherwise you just sit and wait for the other fun stuff to start happening. I think that I will go see the new Wes Anderson/ Bill Murray picture, Life Aquatic -- that is my plan should this happen to me after the 25th of December. So now we just hang out and wait for this "bloody show" to start. This means I am having to put white panty liners on my wide range of black panties, just so I don't miss "the show." It also means turning on the lights when I get up to pee 40 times a night just to check for any pinkness.

Sleep is sucking so bad. Everytime I roll over it's a huge production: throw off the comforter, whip the body pillow to the other side of me, roll over, scream in pain because there is a foot up my rib, breathe, adjust belly over pillow and pillow between legs, pull comforter back over, try to fall back asleep. I am amazed that I have any clarity left to type anything remotely cohesive or articulate. Have to clean my house now. Have invited people to come over and see the baby's room and my giant belly one last time tomorrow. Have no clue who's showing up. Will talk tomorrow.

Bon weekend á tout!

Stick a fork in him, he's done!

So today I am officially 37 weeks pregnant, which means if the baby were to be born now, he would be considered "full-term" and not need any incubation or anything like that. All he's doing now is getting more robust.

Had I a brain, I would have marked Friday down as my last day and I'd be in feet up heaven by now. But unfortunately, I have a week of work to go. And boy is it gonna be hell. But the reward will be that much sweeter at the end, so I just have to take deep breaths and deal.

They did throw me a nice shower on Thursday. The department went for Indian buffet (oh isn't that brilliant? Who came up with that idea? Take the woman, who is suffering from indigestion and heartburn out for spicy food!) I sat with the bosses and some of the new people (including my mat leave replacement) and made nice. I actually get along great with most of them.

Then we had cake in the boardroom with many of the different people I have worked with over the past 3 years. That part was fun, because I realized that the diversity of my work (and the fact that I keep switching brands) has lead me to work with and get to know so many different groups/people in the company. So Blondie and I were just inviting everyone up for cake. Even my work boyfriend came! Even the Sr. VP of programming came! The department got me a gorgeous gift, a luxurious white terry cloth robe from Holt's that I think I will live in next year. And the management team got me some cute baby stuff from Baby Gap. In true Scarbie fashion, while opening the Gap gift, I managed to fling a stuffed dog into the blue-green icing of the cake. Oh boy.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

A Letter to my Son

My dear baby boy,

I just wanted to write this letter that maybe you can read one day when you're older. Maybe I will give it to you when you are 18, or maybe when you are about to have a baby of your own (hopefully those two milestones don't coincide).

For the past 8 months, you have lived inside of me. We have had a bond that you will not remember, but you will feel for the rest of your life. You are my little secret. I have felt you grow from a little seed into what feels like a giant tree some days. This has been the most special, magical time of my life, being able to experience the miracle of life. I have also felt my heart grow, something I thought impossible, bigger and bigger each day. I have never loved anything more than I love you. You have changed the meaning of life for me and I will never look at things the same way again.

With each little kick, though sometimes uncomfortable, I feel we know each other better. I believe that you are strong, kind, and loving. I believe you have the spirit of a fighter and I will do my best to raise you to battle for what you believe in. I believe that you will be a good boy, that like your father, you would never intentionally hurt any living thing. I believe you have your dad's spirit. He is the only person I know who is truly intrinsically good for no religious, financial or other motivation, but because he was just born good. I believe that you will be born good too and I will try not spoil that with my grown-up nonsense. But I will not know if these feelings, instincts and beliefs bear any weight until the time when I am ready to give you this letter and look back at the person you've become over the years.

I can't wait for that day and yet I want it to take forever, because if your life is anything like mine, we will blink and you will be an adult and I an old woman. I can't wait for you to be born, with your father, my soulmate, standing next to me. I can't wait to hold you, to see your eyes open, and your wee fingers wrapped around mine. I can't wait to put your little hands and feet in my mouth, to nibble on your sausage-link arms and legs, to zerbert your chubby belly. I can't wait for your firsts: your first smile, your first go at a feed, your first tantrum, the first time you say "mommy" and "daddy", the first time I have to bandage your knee... there are millions of things for you to experience in this life and I will get to be there with you for so many of them. How lucky am I?

You were made from the simple act of two people loving each other immensely. The day you were conceived was one of the best days of our lives. I often joke that you were an "oops" moment, but since I don't really believe in coincidences, in my soul I know that it was meant to happen this way. If there are two lessons I am able to teach you in life, they are 1) that love is the most important thing in life, that without learning how to love, a person is incomplete; and 2) that everything happens for a reason. Have faith that being a good person will bring you what you rightfully deserve (so long as you keep your eyes open for life's little hints to guide you), and you will find your destiny.

I want you to know that I am ready for you. I am ready to learn everything all over again through your eyes. I am ready for the pain and the heartache... when you get hurt and I can't stop it, or the day when you no longer want to hold my hand. I am ready for the laughter and the joy—both your parents are really funny people, so you're in good standing there. I am ready to try my best, yet also ready to make some mistakes that you will call me on when you grow up. I am ready for sleepless nights of looking at your beautiful face, wondering what I ever did to deserve such a blessing. I am ready to be there for you for the rest of your life. Most of all, I am ready to love you with every cell in my body. I am so ready for you, so you can come into this world whenever you are ready my baby. I will do my best to make it a safe, warm and loving place for you.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

bowling ball

I lied. By the time I hit the No Frills to do my pre-winter hibernation grocery shop last night, I could barely walk. I totally get the bowling ball reference now...

Also getting NO SLEEP as he is RIGHT on my bladder now and I am therefore waking up every two hours to pee. I look like crap---hard to believe, I know. Heh. But the bags under my eyes probably have Louis Vuitton logos all over them if you look close enough. Ick.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Baby at 36 weeks

Update from

How your baby's growing: Your baby is still putting on the pounds — about an ounce a day. He now weighs almost 6 pounds and is a little less than 19 inches long. He's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered his body as well as the vernix caseosa, the creamy substance that covered and protected his skin during its submersion in amniotic fluid. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, which will stay in his bowels until birth. This blackish mixture, called meconium, will become her first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Babies between 37 and 42 weeks are considered full-term; a baby born before 37 weeks is pre-term and after 42 is post-term.) Most likely he's in a head-down position by now, which is optimal for a smooth delivery, but if he isn't in the next week, your provider may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying she'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position manually, by manipulating him from the outside of your belly.

** Baby is definitely head down. So that's good news. We saw a meconium poop in the video they showed us Saturday and it's nastier than you can imagine. You have to coat baby's bum with petroleum jelly before he does this poop or it will stick to his skin. It's like tar!

How your life's changing: While your baby continues to grow and crowd your internal organs, you may find that you're not as hungry as you were a few weeks ago. Smaller, more frequent meals are often easier to handle at this point. On the other hand, you may have less heartburn and have an easier time breathing when your baby starts to drop down lower in your pelvis. This dropping — called lightening or engagement — is more likely to happen before labor if this is your first baby. When it does, though, you may feel increased pressure in your lower abdomen, making walking increasingly uncomfortable. Some women say it feels as though they're carrying a bowling ball between their legs, or as if the baby is going to fall out. (Don't worry, she won't!)

** Baby has definitely dropped a bit. My boobs are no longer resting on my belly since my belly is noticeably lower. And yes, it does feel like there's something between my legs - though not as heavy as a bowling ball.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Pull up to my bumper baby!

I'm on a roll here! So much to catch you guys up on!

Yesterday we went to a Baby Care class at the hospital. They taught us how to bathe baby, change diapers, dress appropriately (don't overheat, dress like what you would wear plus one extra layer), can you spoil an infant (answer=no. Picking them up builds trust), etc. It was super informative and I liked it a lot. She taught us to think of baby's lovely conditions in the womb (darkness, warmth, noisy muffled sounds, constant food and regular movement) and how we should try to emulate that outside the womb (wrap baby up like a burrito, keep the lights dim, rock gently, have some noise when he is sleeping -- quiet makes them insecure FYI -- etc)

They talked about scary SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and according to Health Canada, crib bumpers are not considered safe anymore. Which is crazy because a) it looks so damn cute; b)it cost a bunch o' cash (but I think I can get Mamacita to return it) and c) didn't everyone I know have one in their baby's crib? But, God forbid something horrible happened because I wanted the room to look nice! Basically, you need to promote good air circulation to prevent SIDS (thought they don't 100% know what causes it) and some babies are rolling over towards the bumpers and suffocating I guess. As well, some older babies have been stepping on the bumpers to get out of the crib, falling and dying of head injuries. So bumpers are out, moms-to-be!

Also needing to be returned are the Moses Basket (too much padding) and this thing that keeps baby on his back and unable to turn over 9apparently it's just a cash grab and they are unnecessary). So maybe when we get all that cash back, we can arrange some other method for him to sleep in our room for the beginning.

We did some scary math in class too:
How many times a day does a newborn feed? 8-12
How long is the average feeding? 30 minutes
How much time is spent in a 24 hour period feeding baby? 4-6 hours!!
How many diaper changes in a day? 8-12 (they poop each time they eat in the beginning)
How long for each diaper change? 5-10 minutes
How much time in a day spent changing diapers? 45 minutes- 2 hours!!
How many changings per day? 3-4 (they spit up and soil themselves a lot)
How much time spent changing baby? 10 minutes each time, 30-40 minutes per day
And so on.... you see where this is going? Yikes!

I have also been having very scary nightmares. Bad enough to wake up the Dog in the night for some cuddle time until I feel safe. I am starting to freak out a bit in general. I don't have my hospital bag packed yet (need to go to the drug store and get some things) and this baby could safely arrive anytime as of next Saturday! I was also really tired on Friday after staying up way too late due to office party. Must slow down. I stiffed on two parties I was supposed to go to because I just didn't feel up to it. Can't do it anymore. Need the rest, because, as you can see from the questionnaire above, I won't be getting much once baby gets here! Needless to say my sister-in-law wsn't too thrilled about me missing her housewarming party, but she's gonna have to cut me some slack considering the circumstances.

Last night I definitely felt the baby moving down. There was some serious discomfort in my lower back, almost like menstrual cramps, and baby was moving a lot. This morning the belly is noticeably lower. It took me a long time to get to sleep because I thought that maybe this was what labour was supposed to feel like. Sista Sunshine was sleeping over, but the Dog was out of town. Very nervous. I need to chill.

I am also missing my friggin Health Card! This is the card that gets us free health services in our province. The crappy part is, if I have to renew it, I'll probably have to put my married name on there. Which sucks because I really wanted the baby's birth certificate to have my maiden name on it. Will have to look into it. Figures I lose the most important card in my wallet right before I'm set to give birth.

I am panicked because I need to find this baby a doctor and somehow I missed that on the one million "Are you ready?" checklists I have been reading! Apparently you have to take the baby for a checkup within the first week. Argh, my brain is so tired. So many things to remember and they keep adding more to my list!

Also, the hospital is shutting down! There is some scary gastrointestinal virus (they're not calling it Norwalk yet) going around the ICU and it's affecting 1/3 of the babies in there. So if we go into labour before the ban is lifted, our families can't come to the hospital. Not a big deal since we'll only be there for 36 hours max if we do a vaginal birth, 72 if we have a C-section. But still, I have a feeling I'm going to want my mommy!

Going to try to relax now....

Secret, secret, I gotta secret...

For those of you who don't know or remember the classic Styx song "Mr. Roboto" (the song that essentially broke up the band), this blog title comes from that song. Capital K used to sing that to me and make me laugh.


Last Sunday, I had to run out sneakily to take care of the Dog's Christmas present. I had arranged a secret meeting with Shantih, my yogi, who moonlights as a photog. We had a black and white preggy photo shoot and I am so glad that I did it. It was an awesome experience. I really wanted some black and white photos to document my beautiful belly. I also wanted to get some of me in yoga poses, because for me that truly symbolizes the strength I have as a woman. Yoga is the first thing in my life that I have stuck to. I was always insecure about my physical self, and yoga has taught me to be patient and practice and in time I will be stronger. It has also taught me to breathe through pain of any kind and that "Breathe, it will be over soon" mentality that I will so desperately need for delivery.

As I got more comfortable, I even did some topless ones. It was so exhillarating. I was kinda high from it afterwards, but the next day I was like "WTF did I do that for?" Oh well, I had to get over my self-consciousness about my bod eventually. Which is weird for a girl who flashes her friends regularly and never minded if a nipple revealed itself at a drunken party.

I have also developped some scary stretch marks on my hips. They are red and nasty. So far, none on my belly. Shantih swears that the photos turned out beautiful, so I am somewhat relieved, but won't be able to really be OK until I see them. The hardest part was not telling the Dog afterwards, because I was so jazzed about the whole experience. Plus I can't keep a surprise for shit.

I will post the photos here when she sends me the contact sheets. Then y'all can help me choose the best ones.

Thanks for the Mammaries

Originally uploaded by scarbiedoll.
This is KPL, Blondie and moi of course! OK. I look like a deer in headlights, but you can see here that my breasts are gigantic and my belly is lower (or maybe you don't see that). The top was a big hit (Old Navy baby!)

The hardest part was not drinking when the booze was flowing so freely—hence that euphoric look on Blondie's face. But somehow I made it through. The other hardest part was that no one wanted to have adult conversation with me. All they wanted to do was talk about the baby and feel my belly. I think the official most annoying question has become, "When are you due?" Especially when people ask several times. It's not a hard date to remember people! New Year's Fucking Day!

Anyway, spent much of the night talking to my work boyfriend, who was the only one who seemed to want a non-baby conversation with me. *sigh* It was nice to have one last night of crushing on him. He's super hot. the other fun thing was watching Suzy Q in action trying to "get something going." We eventually had to leave her behind and Blondie and I caught the company-paid-for charriot home just after midnight. And I did, indeed, turn into a pumpkin! Where is my fairy godmother now? (Oh yeah, he's in the photo - LOL!)

Thursday, December 02, 2004

One month to go!

Well, welly, well. Yesterday was officially December 1st, which means exactly one month to my due date if you can belive it. It's amazing how the time flies. Don't you all feel like it was just yesterday I started posting these intimate details of my pregnancy? And now I will have to begin a new chapter.

So I am open to comments and suggestions. Should I change the name of the blog once baby arrives? Should I start a new one and keep them separate: one pregnancy and one motherhood? Whaddya think?

Last night was our last prenatal class. And I gotta admit, I'm a little bummed. It was so fun meeting other cool future moms and dads. Hopefully we will run into a familiar face in the hospital. And there is a post-partum meeting scheduled in Feb for the group once our babies are roughly 6 weeks old. There was definitely one woman I totally clicked with, I think I mentioned her last week. She has the same sarcastic sense of humour and I think it would be fun to hang out with her once the babies are here. Her hubby works for the only film and TV industry paper in Canada as an editor. So they are a lot like us. There's also another cute guy in the class (works at the CBC writing docs) and his partner, who seems very nice if totally shy. Or maybe she was just speechless since I was flirting with her man? Was I? Probably—he's got a fab wardrobe after all.

At the start of class we were given dolls the size and weight of four month old babies. We had to hold them like footballs and then move them diagonally over our nipples, as though we were feeding them. It was so weird. She showed us a few different techniques for holding the baby while breastfeeding and then we watched yet another video. The video was actually super cute. The way the baby starts to stick its tongue out all lizard like. Everyone was giggling over that. It's funny how we all try to act so cool, but then you see a baby do what it's supposed to and you get all giggly and gooey.

The rest of the class involved going over what we'd learned so far. Then we all took a photo together. I don't have it yet, or I'd post it here.

On another note, I think I've started to "drop". I feel the baby much lower now (right in the groin and it's painful) and my belly is starting to look lower too. Got my work Christmas party tonight -- my last big party for a long time. Bought a new top and pair of pants for it, since it's in the ultra swish York Event Theatre. There's a company here in Toronto that takes the old movie theatres and turns them into tony reception halls. Will post a photo of me when I have one.