When I first started writing for online publications almost 4 years ago, I did a lot of Top 10 lists. At this office, I became known as the Top 10 Queen. Now that I am the Queen of Excel Sheets and boring meetings, I thought I'd use this forum to flex a little Top 10 muscle.
10. "You don't look pregnant from behind!"
This is a back-handed compliment. When I first heard it I was excited, but then I realized -- no one carries a baby in their ass, every woman carries up front. Which means if you look anything from behind, it's fat honey. And I just don't think women should make each other insecure about their fat behinds -- at least, not to one's face -- heh.
9. "Have you got the room set up yet?"
Ok, I'm in the process of this now, so it's lower on the list than it woulda been a week ago. But let me tell you, every pregnant woman is agonizing over this. It's a big deal. Kinda like your own wedding, but you have no energy to do a good job. (Unless you're Crafty and somehow find the energy to paint a gorgeous mural on your baby's wall. But she also made her own wedding dress and every other damn thing at her beautiful wedding. She's the inspiration man!) Plus you don't want to go overboard, because the baby will grow out of it or you'll move... avoid this question unless your pal brings it up herself.
8. "You're totally carrying up high/down low like a boy/girl baby."
Same thing for you look good so you must be having a boy/girl. Unless someone has told you what their ultrasound said (assuming they even want to find out)this old wives tale bullshit is not science. So you're only playing with the mind of the parents. Even ultrasounds aren't 100% accurate, so when people disagree with my ultrasound and tell me I'm having a girl, I get nervous. Just shut up about it people, you don't know XY from YY from just looking at me.
7. "You're HUGE! Are you sure you're not having twins?"
It's 2004. Every woman in the western world that has healthcare is getting an ultrasound. She's fucking damn sure she's not having twins. Don't put images of a baby on each tit in her head. If she's having twins, she woulda told you already.
6. "You look ready to pop!"
Similar to number 7. You are basically just commenting on the size of the preggy chick. Us preggy chicks already have to look in the mirror at our sad pants and non-existant waistlines every day. You try walking by a belt rack at 6 months! It's depressing. I don't care how cool it is to be pregnant (and yes, it rocks), but you still have to come to terms with your changing body and the fact that it may never be the same again.
5. "Are you doing Lamaze?"
OK, we all must've watched the same Cosby Show episode or something. Somehow this freakin' Lamaze got into everyone's brain. Do you honestly think that a little breathing and visualization is going to alleviate the pain of someone's shoulders coming out of your snatch? No I'm not doing Lamaze, I'M DOING DRUGS!!
4. "I've heard it's good to __insert useless advice here___"
People will tell you all kinds of things every two seconds. Your job as a pregnant lady is to ignore them. Some things people will tell you could even be harmful to the baby, so just nod and say, "Wow, yeah, I'll try that." Then just delete. If it's not in your preggy guidebook or advocated by your doctor, erase. The only other advice you should take is from other preggy ladies who are recommending something to make your pregnancy go smoother, or get you a discount. Even then you need to remember that every pregnancy is different and what's right for one person may not be right for you.
3. "Have you picked out any names yet?"
If the parent(s) has/have picked out names that she/he/they want to share, they will tell you. Otherwise, don't ask. You will only say something or make a face and hurt the expectant parent's feelings and start the whole painful process all over again. It's normal to react. We all have an opinion. But picking names is hard. It's even harder when you do pick one or two only to have people trash them. Even if you, the parent, think you have the coolest name in the world picked out, someone will hate it. Don't pick at this scab please. It's not because I don't love and trust you all, it's because I can't deal with my crusty aunts' faces when I tell them a name that sounds effed up in Armenian.
2. "Should you be eating that?"
I'm not an idiot. I know that a Big Mac isn't good for my baby. I've seen Supersize Me (and if you haven't, go rent it NOW!) but Big Macs taste so damn freakin' good! I get cut-eye for drinking a Coke, or a glass of wine. People, 9 months is a long time (it's actually more like 10 months, but they lie to you) to cut yourself off from junky goodness. Moderation is key. If you see me with a Coffee Crisp in my hand, you prolly just caught me at a weak moment. One cannot live on carrot sticks alone.
1. You betta recognize!
Being pregnant is a lot like being a celebrity. People stare at you on the street and smile, strangers talk to you like you're old chums, and everywhere you go, the spotlight is on you. (This is probably why women lose it after birth when it's all about baby.) So you start to get demanding and feel like the whole world revolves around you. (oughtta be fun when Big J gets knocked up)
So when I'm trying to get on the bus and you cut in front of me, or I'm on the crowded subway and you don't recognize ME, Yummy Mummy, and get up off your ass -- I get pissed. Do you not know who I am mofo? Show some respect! I am heavy and my legs feel like logs and someone is kicking my ribs - GET UP!
You, young girl with your walkman on, pretending like you don't see me -- I will wish terrible things on you, like severe pain during childbirth. You, tired middle-aged fatty man waiting to go home to your boring life, I loathe you. You, gray-haired woman with the walker...well, you trump me. Here, take my seat.
These are only guidelines. Every pregnant woman will be pissed about her own issues, but I think I've covered them off.