Saturday, October 09, 2004

Tearing at the Seams

***WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY GROSS, SO IF IT MAKES YOUR STOMACH TURN WHEN I'M GROSS, INSTEAD OF MAKING YOU LAUGH, SCROLL DOWN TO THE NEXT POST.

So after I posted last night, I had to do a number two. And in a nutshell, I tore my asshole.

Now I have been eating fruit and high fibre cereal every day and have never been more "regular" in my life. The constipation of early pregnancy is totally gone. Which is good, because it's easy to get hemerrhoids from "straining" apparently, because your blood vessels are so full of extra blood. So this dump I took yesterday was rather large and not very flexible I guess, because when I pushed it out, I felt something rip or burst. Majorly. And there was an extreme burning sensation. When I got up after having finished my business, I saw that whatever vessel had exploded had splotched all over the back of the bowl (inside). When I wiped it was as serious as having my period back there! So nasty!!!!

So I shoved some toilet paper back there and went to meet the Dog for a date. As I've said before, there is nothing that knocks you down to size more that pregnancy. By the end, you're just a shell of your former, glamorous self. From the barfing, bloating, super farting, embarrassing constipation ("I'll be out in an hour honey"), to the peeing of the pants and now the tearing of my anus. What more? How much more can a woman take? Well considering I've still got several episodes where strangers will peer up my punani, stick their arms in there and then a giant baby will squeeze his shoulders and body out, tearing everything in his path -- oh and let's not forget that my boobs will begin to leak every time a baby cries... well this experience will definitely have this princess off her high horse, that's for sure. Having your husband put polysporin on your asshole also brings a new level of intimacy to the relationship.

Who will we be at the end of this? I have no idea.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are scaring me. Now Ellen was not so graphic about the details and left stuf to the imgination .... now I am worrying about if I wanna go through what you are going through! Especially since married to a twin with twins on both sides of his family, it makes me think I could go through that X2 at the same time!

So we are looking at getting another dog :) replacement maybe, practice maybe who knows?

cheers
dawn

Anonymous said...

Man, every time I haven't gone #2 in a day or two, I seriously get freaked out and start shoveling everything fiber-licious into my mouth that I can find. I'm scared not only of hemerrhoids, but also of the tearing that you mentioned. Jeez. Pregnancy sucks ass, literally. Oh, also? I don't live in Texas - I live in Virginia, which is a lot closer to Toronto but just as Bush-friendly as Texas, unfortunately. Anyway, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

-Cookie

formerly known as Dings said...

dude. I'm with "dawn". I gots twins in my blood and my hubby's too and I'm thinking damn, I'm in for it...I'm totally screwed. heh. Hope the turkey didn't plug you up, that tripto-whatchemacallit is hard core!!

Anonymous said...

I love that you're having this baby. I really want to have a baby in my life... just not so sure that I want to have one in my womb anytime soon. :)

I'm with Dawn on the "second dog" front. Moet can be a pain in the ass sometimes... but not quite like the one you're describing.

Blondie